Saturday, October 26, 2013
I want to talk about jealousy and insecurities. For one to have jealousy is a very ugly monster to carry around daily and I mean all day daily! Then mix that with insecurity forget it itís a tornado affect inside your soul. Where in the world does this feeling come from! I think I can remember when I first felt weird about myself as a child. I always wished I had a person to tell me different. I always wanted to be blonde and blue eyed. Never could embrace my brown eyes and dark hair. Crazy how now having that and a big butt is in style.
I try so hard not to feed my insecurities. Yet I canít help it. The jealousy thing is to me getting so out of hand that I canít understand it. It confuses my judgment greatly. I am becoming very unhappy beyond my own wants. It bothers me that I canít be happy with who I am enough to enjoy things. I know my boyfriend isnít the best I know he feeds into my insecurities. Yet I now I see that constantly looking for someone to secure you is very horrible and exhausting. It also makes you feel insecure about yourself being the person who always has to reassure another. It also makes you want to be a bad person because someone is always accusing you of being bad. I was like that. Why not be that person you say I am. Many years ago I cheated because I was told I had and I was fed up of being good and accused all the time. No matter how many times I proved it to this guy he kept on saying I was that way. So I did screw it to fit the role. Of course at that point that I finally did I was over the relationship anyway. I felt dumb that I went there. I was as lonely as I am in this relationship and neglected. So since I did it once I did it again and I tried so hard to let it be. Meaning no more lowering myself. I didnít want to be that person, unhappy and cheating. My dad was like this unhappy with my mother and cheated the whole time.
So I am told by him that my insecurities are getting to him. I donít want to push him to be a cheat because I hate myself for whatever reason. Then he is always alone by himself on his phone. No want on his part to spend time with me. I fear that if I continue to give him too much space things may be able to happen a lot easier. Yet when I think about it if it is going to happen it doesnít matter the space I give. He no longer believes me that I will change. I hurt because I so badly do not want to feed this jealousy monster. This insecure body and mind. I feel empty inside because I donít care for myself enough to just be secure in my relationship. Be secure within myself. Be strong to say I am worth so much.
I get told how this relationship is ruined. As if there is no hope for us. When I hear it from him, I want to give in and just let him go. Then I think to myself when I let him go and I am still this insecure being then what? When I let him go no more jealousy yet the jealousy comes from the insecurity. And it will be a vicious cycle over and over again. I will always be abused and treated like a doormat by not only a man but woman, jobs, friends, family. It is human nature for people to take advantage of another. To want to cling to another person. Like I cling to him and my daughter for that love that I so desperately want. I cling to him because I just want sweet nothings and romance. Though I forget you get those things only when you truly exude self-love. When you radiate this light nothing in the world can bring you down. I hate that I lack this brilliance. I worry so much about this void I have. I pray about it so much. When I think I have it figured out, I lose it all and feel defeated. I donít want to be this person any longer. I now a big part of this feeling is this fat suit I have. Plus the many years of abuse I have suffered. Many years of a facade I had to keep up just to let others know I am ok. But I at this age I donít have that strength anymore and I feel too old to pretend I am ok. I just want a normal life for whatever that means.