Once again, it has happened too many times to count, I awoke in the wee morning hours feeling the literal and figurative burden of the me I have become. I'm only writing here now because I need to organize my head. I think that, once I begin making some real progress, somebody might find hope in these words of frustration.
My deadlines are past me and I'm realizing, once again, that I will put any event or obligation before my own health. I think of the things I value most and the answers are obvious. I want to live as long as possible. I have so much more to give to this life. I want to be an energetic participant in the lives of my family. I want to live creatively and surround myself with music. I want to love my husband authentically and beautifully for the rest of my life. I want to walk with God in all that I do.
But, and I believe so many of us do this at certain times in our lives, my day-to-day looks so completely upside down from how I SAY I want my life to be. I react to the things thrown my way and, when I lay my head on my pillow, I find that I've not touched on the things that mean the most to me. I think about God, missing the close communion. I dream about finally making myself fit and the wonderful things I will do along the way. I know how it feels to send a beloved daughter out into the world and I both welcome and dread the moment I do that again less than a year from now. I'm so aware of the time running out for the snuggles and the family dinners and the casual memories that I need to fit in before graduation.
In the midst of all of these things (and so many others), I MUST make the project of my transformation a daily priority. I will dare to say, THE priority, because the time I take exercising and eating well always leads me to spend more time seeking God. Walking is such a good time to dwell. With or without music. Listening to messages or in silence.
The cold is coming and It's dark more quickly now. My husband's schedule and my kids' schedules are staggered. But I MUST make daily time. need to end the starts and stops. They have left me numb. The numbers are in front of me and they are sobering.
Walk, track, walk, track, seven times. Then seven more. Then again. I have every tool that I need. I just need to believe it's important every day.
My first goal is to lose 20 lbs. by Christmas. I intend to make this the first tangible goal that I actually stick with.