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    SOULFISH80   13,642
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Beautiful people

Saturday, October 26, 2013

I try to be blatantly honest with myself............and by blogging, with others too. And today was hard, downright hard. Uncontrollable outbursts of deep emotions teamed with almost unbearably violent crying. Questioning life, self and God. It wasn't pretty. Not proud at all. But after some music therapy, and support from beautiful friends and family, I do feel a bit better now.

I did eat TERRIBLY today, which is not good at all. I was on the road with Tim all day, didn't pre-plan the day at all, which meant I had not one single decent food option, since we did a turn and burn, up to Oregon and back in one day, no stopping, all I had was the snacks he had in truck, and one brief stop for a terrible meal at Arby's, the only option where we stopped. Wish I would have eaten better today, prepared better, but admittedly, I'm a bit of a wreck, have been for three days. I'm trying to get it all out, so I can move forward. But part of that process, is letting it out, and it's not pretty, and it's exhausting being honest, real and authentic to myself and with my emotions. Very, very hard. Very hard to do all of this grieving without blaming anyone else, or myself too harshly...........or God for that matter. I'm a pretty upbeat person 95% of the time............atleast that's how I see it, but when I fall, I crash and burn, hard. And today's emotions left skidmarks a mile wide.

So, I won't go into too much more. I'm really drained. Haven't cried that hard in years. It's just so tiring. I'm not as sad about my job as I am about letting myself get hurt that bad. The fact that I allowed myself to be in a damaging situation for as long as I did is disturbing me. As I rehashed all of the things that have happened to me in the past 4.5 years while working at the barbershop, I was reminded of situation, after situation that was unfair and hurtful that I just brushed off. I never stood up for myself........and that is really what is hurting me the most. I would fight a battle for one of my friends or family, but I just let anyone and everyone trample all over me, and my heart whenever they choose. I really can't deal with the fact that I don't value my own needs enough to protect myself. I am valuable and I deserve to be protected, I must learn to do this.

Even though I ate bad food, I stayed in range and got all my water, so the day wasn't a complete waste. Hope tomorrow is better. I could use a little reprieve from the torrential flood of emotions.

To those who have followed my last weeks events and lent me your loving support, thank you, deeply and truly. You have meant the world to me, and have made this process so much eaiser than it would have been. Beautiful people come to this community, very beautiful people and I am so thankful to be a part of it.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERYL_ANNE 10/26/2013 3:53PM

    What can you do to help yourself? If someone you loved came to you and shared all this with you, what would do to help them? Apply that to yourself through self-care because "you are valuable and deserve to be protected." (Your words in quotations).

We sometimes think of it as walking a fine line because we don't want to be appear self-involved or conceited, but there is a huge difference between those behaviors and self-care!

I wish you peace of mind, my friend. Take care!


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BUNNYCATS 10/26/2013 1:18PM

    You're going to be O.K. Release all the crap. Detach. emoticon emoticon Find peace and serenity. Love yourself. You deserve it. emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 10/26/2013 11:32AM

    Leaving a job where you had clients who became friends and a boss you thought *was* your friend is almost like breaking up a romantic/love relationship, don't you think?
When I read your blog I actually made the connection between your words,

"The fact that I allowed myself to be in a damaging situation for as long as I did is disturbing me. As I rehashed all of the things that have happened to me in the past 4.5 years while working at the barbershop, I was reminded of situation, after situation that was unfair and hurtful that I just brushed off. I never stood up for myself........and that is really what is hurting me the most."

and my break ups! It sounds like the words I thought or uttered after every break up I ever had.

Yes it's hard to go through and the beauty of it is this: you don't have to go through it any more. You *can* choose to stop right here. Rehashing it all over again today won't make any difference to the situation, but it will make a difference in how you feel if you continue to rehash it. If you do, you drag yourself through the emotional quagmire once again and get the same results as yesterday - emotionally drained and in a state of suffering.

So you have learned something invaluable and that is:
"I am valuable and I deserve to be protected."
And since we are all in this alone, it is you who must learn to protect yourself. When you go to your next job interview, don't make it about getting the job, make it about interviewing your employer to see if you want to be around that energy and those people for an unspecified amount of time. Make your next job about YOU instead of anything else you can think of!

Comment edited on: 10/26/2013 11:39:05 AM

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ME_HERE_NOW 10/26/2013 10:47AM

    big change like this makes a person emotional, i think it's natural. it's nice that you had a tim distraction instead of sitting home alone. you are right, the sooner you get it out, the sooner you can move on and be in top form as new opportunities present themselves. i have only once quit a job without a plan and i was a wreck, i was scared i was letting down people around me - but you sometimes just HAVE to do what is best for you when something just feels so wrong. 4.5 yrs is nothing to sneeze at - that's a good/long/bad run. with your skill-set and adventurous ways i don't see how you won't thrive after you get over this mourning/distress/growing pains time.

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BIGPAWSUP 10/26/2013 8:57AM

    Sounds like a bit of an emotional purge. I think that a great thing after what you have been through. It's a trauma.

The food was one day and it was situationally caused. It's ok. You just pick yourself up today and move forward again.

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HICKOK-HALEY 10/26/2013 1:40AM

    Sounds like you released all your pent up feelings. Take a day at a time, get back into eating better, and you will get back to where you want to be. emoticon emoticon

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DJ4HEALTH 10/26/2013 1:39AM

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