Saturday, October 26, 2013
I try to be blatantly honest with myself............and by blogging, with others too. And today was hard, downright hard. Uncontrollable outbursts of deep emotions teamed with almost unbearably violent crying. Questioning life, self and God. It wasn't pretty. Not proud at all. But after some music therapy, and support from beautiful friends and family, I do feel a bit better now.
I did eat TERRIBLY today, which is not good at all. I was on the road with Tim all day, didn't pre-plan the day at all, which meant I had not one single decent food option, since we did a turn and burn, up to Oregon and back in one day, no stopping, all I had was the snacks he had in truck, and one brief stop for a terrible meal at Arby's, the only option where we stopped. Wish I would have eaten better today, prepared better, but admittedly, I'm a bit of a wreck, have been for three days. I'm trying to get it all out, so I can move forward. But part of that process, is letting it out, and it's not pretty, and it's exhausting being honest, real and authentic to myself and with my emotions. Very, very hard. Very hard to do all of this grieving without blaming anyone else, or myself too harshly...........or God for that matter. I'm a pretty upbeat person 95% of the time............atleast that's how I see it, but when I fall, I crash and burn, hard. And today's emotions left skidmarks a mile wide.
So, I won't go into too much more. I'm really drained. Haven't cried that hard in years. It's just so tiring. I'm not as sad about my job as I am about letting myself get hurt that bad. The fact that I allowed myself to be in a damaging situation for as long as I did is disturbing me. As I rehashed all of the things that have happened to me in the past 4.5 years while working at the barbershop, I was reminded of situation, after situation that was unfair and hurtful that I just brushed off. I never stood up for myself........and that is really what is hurting me the most. I would fight a battle for one of my friends or family, but I just let anyone and everyone trample all over me, and my heart whenever they choose. I really can't deal with the fact that I don't value my own needs enough to protect myself. I am valuable and I deserve to be protected, I must learn to do this.
Even though I ate bad food, I stayed in range and got all my water, so the day wasn't a complete waste. Hope tomorrow is better. I could use a little reprieve from the torrential flood of emotions.
To those who have followed my last weeks events and lent me your loving support, thank you, deeply and truly. You have meant the world to me, and have made this process so much eaiser than it would have been. Beautiful people come to this community, very beautiful people and I am so thankful to be a part of it.