It's all just too much for me.
Friday, October 25, 2013
The hits never stop. Today I was told my appt for next month with a neck/spine/SI joint specialist is being cancelled because he looked at my record and has nothing to offer me except "do PT" or "go to Mayo". Mayo is CRAP! The only people the Mayo helps are those who are rich or powerful. Absolutely anyone can claim they have a "comprehensive approach" and are "#1" at treating anything because it's a sujective statement so they can get away with a complete lie! Going there for a complex condition is grounds for being locked in a psych ward.
I was also told that the medical supply store can't order the 4 legged cane with a soft grip that I want. So either I use a cane that can't support any weight with my weak arms (and how will that help?) or have a handle that will cause bruising and pain every time I use it. So I have to go from place to place to place trying to find somewhere that has the right cane.
I also had another random person come to my house and ring the bell while knocking. (Seriously jerk? As if listening to the bell ring 3 times quickly isn't enough, the actual side-fist pounding on the door immediately afterwards is a great way to get punched when I open the door!) I was half asleep as I tried to not fall down the stairs to answer the door, ready to slam the door in the face of whoever was there. He said he was from some company (insert name that sounds fake, maybe "24 Hour" something or other) hired to see if the house was occupied... and he totally stuttered while speaking, sounding like he had made it up. I said something like "whatever" and closed the door. This is harassment wells fargo! They call multiple times every day! If this wasn't wells fargo, then it was just another person wanting to break in and rob me. Either way, screw you jerk.
I am a hair trigger of rage right now, trying to hold onto the "I don't care". Realized I don't have 4 or 5 appointments next week, I have *7* in 4 days! I cancelled one (with the worthless ortho), pushed back another (it's a follow up that doesn't matter, so I'll try again next month), and I'm planning to cut one short (because it's a 2-3 hour appt that I will likely explode in anger and tears at so doing a short appt is probably better for both of us).
They stole my fight. I'm a freaking zombie now, not caring who does what to me. Come get your piece of me while you can. I can't fight my symptoms, mental health, family, complete lonliness, insurance companies, lawyers, doctors, schedulers, county, state, government, judges, bill collectors, and everyone and everything else that is meant to tear away every piece of me like this anymore. I've done it too long. I can't care anymore. I am going to only do what I can do right now - watch tv, play games, read, sleep, etc. It's too late for anything I do to change my fate, and I just can't fight the impending nightmare any longer. I'm defeated.
I am surrounded by negative and bombarded by negative messages about how I don't "deserve" help. I could only fight it so long, and being told in a courtroom by an ignorant doctor that I'm faking it was the last straw. Of course I'm going to be negative and a downer and be of no use to anyone after all of this! I can't even tell you the last time I had actual physical contact (beyond a handshake) with another human being, which means I don't even get to have oxytocin to try to help me feel better.
If anyone is looking for me to be supportive or positive for them, I'm sorry but I just can't. Call me selfish (many people do) but I can't see beyond my pain and depression right now. I've even been debating going totally internet silent because so many people already hate/avoid me for putting my negativity in their life. It's probably better that I do, so just assume I'll be doing that for awhile.