Friday, October 25, 2013
WOW...it's been a time! I learned a long time ago in recovery that 'the why' doesn't matter...what matters is my behavior in response to 'the why'. This week, I have behaved badly. So here is my confession.
I got a little lost this week. I struggled to be Present. This throws EVERYTHING ELSE off for me. I also started seeing 'my will' again, despite our epic break-up a few months ago. He's a sneaky devil...really had my head turned around. I knew I should have been getting on Spark. I knew I should have been reaching out. I ABSOLUTELY have to weigh and measure and track my food daily...but I didn't. In fact...I held a little protest in my head every time the idea of logging on popped up. And by *I*, of course I mean ego. It was my real self, my Intended Self that was making the plea; I just kept telling her to piss off. And the consequence to that is not cool. I have gained a few pounds, but even worse...I spent a few days in mental and spiritual hell. That's the only way I can describe the black hole of compulsive thought that takes over when I relinquish Presence.
So today, I return...today, I surrender. In this moment, I claim Presence. I ask you, my SP friends to forgive me for my failure to be here to support each of you and love each of you and encourage each of you. Because FORTUNATELY...this is not JUST about me. I made a commitment when I agreed to your help for recovery, to offer it back. I did not do that this week, and I aplogize. Please forgive me.
And I have to be honest about something else, just to put it out there. I found out this morning that an old lover found my Spark page and availed himself of my blog posts. This is someone around whom I still carry a lot of energy, so it's slightly unnerving; but as I've stated time and time again...I write this for me...I DO this for me. NO ONE is going to get so deep into my head that I change a mother-f*cking thing about my recovery...not even you, Greg. If you once again are compelled to walk down memory lane, or if you really need or desire to know something about me, feel free to email me. I obviously still have the same AOL address. This is a safe space and a private space, despite its presence online. I know you know that. Please respect it. Thank you.
Love you all...I feel a ton lighter just hitting the 'post' button!!!
The LOVE and LIGHT is BACK, B*tches!!! ;-)~~~~~~~~~~