Friday, October 25, 2013
I have not written for a while and now I think is a good time to write again. When I started this blog I was really struggling keeping up with my diet and exercise routines. I was mentally protesting why it is so hard for me, and so easy for others. I was so obsessed with becoming NORMAL. I was reading this book by Josie Spinardi - Have Your Cake and Skinny Jeans Too - and really enjoying it. I have not finished it yet but planning to go back to it when things start getting tough. I definitely recommend it. It explained to me that restriction brings binges, binges cause weight gain, that skinny people are skinny for certain reasons etc. Very interesting writing, regardless of the fact I had read numerous books and blogs on this topic. This one is so far the best.
Anyways, as Josie recommended I started letting myself go. I started allowing myself to eat crisps and cheesecake with the only difference that I had to track them. I never tracked before, but now that I have a new smart phone I can track anywhere. So when I started tracking, it got easy. I really craved a cheesecake in the evenings, eat it, put it in the calendar and see that the total for the day sums up to 2000 cal. And thus, I realized that this is not so bad at all. Before, when I ate a cheesecake I would have this feeling (however I tried to avoid it) that ok, I ruined my diet, what the hell, let break it loose. And the binge would start until I have eaten another 1000-2000 calories.
I tracked for 15 days. it was great to see the diagrams and instant feedback. Although I did not lose any weight during the first 10 days, it felt very rewarding to know that I am doing my best. I guess I did not lose weight because I was also strength training and gaining muscle. Then after 10 days I lost 2pounds. And it felt already great. I started recommending everyone to use the tracker, how great it is, how motivated it makes me.
Then something happened in my life, that totally tweaked my brain I guess. I totally lost the appetite. It is the first time such a thing has happened to me. The fact that I can lose my appetite over anything is ridiculous. I have always loved eating, I loved big portions, I loved to clean my plate, have coffee with some chocolate, have dinners eating out (and most of the times overeating of course). And now, I lost it. I am sure most of you empathize with me. I always wondered how skinny people can do those strange/unbelievable things. Like eating half of the dish and leave the rest, saying no to muffins after a good lunch, forgetting to eat or unintentionally missing the meal times...
So this thing that happened in my life made me something that I could not willfully make myself. Now, I go to a restaurant and eat half of a pizza. I just can't shovel it down my throat after some point and just looking at the food makes me sick after that satiation point. All of my favourite foods still taste the same but I don't seem to enjoy them. I even considered going and buying my favourite crisps that usually set of my binges. But the thought of them does not ring anything in my head... I eat my usual oat porridge for breakfast and can only finish half of it. And I eat so much slower, God, sometimes I even get totally impatient with myself. When the hunger comes I do feel the stomach growling but I am so lazy to get up and prepare food, or even open the fridge. I open the goodie pantry and nothing really calls my name anymore. I am still crazily driven to exercise, and I realize that I need to eat properly to be able to exercise. So I just ask my housemates to cook and share their food with me. They cook very healthily so I can have as much as I want of their food. And I started intentionally eating with others so that I can talk to them, get distracted and be able eat the whole stuff. Basically I started doing the reverse of what I was trying to do before and what all the weight loss programs recommend.
This is so strange... I never would have known that something so unrelated in life can have such an effect on an appetite and especially MY appetite. Without giving too much information away it is something that is full of life, adrenalin and excitement. It makes me want to exercise like crazy and survive only with water :D. Let's see how long this will go on for. I am sure I will be back to my usual love-food self soon, but it is so nice to make such an observation of myself.
I am full of life Spark Friends!