Thank you so much to all of you who offered such great support and advice for me on my last blog! Just thought I would give you a little update.
Later that night, when DH came back in and had calmed back down, I tried to talk things out with him. It was a very long process (he has a very hard time expressing what he is feeling), but I was patient and just waited for him to respond to my questions. Sometimes it was 5 minutes from the time I asked until he was able to answer! Finally, what it came down to, is that he just can't handle change very well. He doesn't care about the paint color or what furniture I picked for our room. He just doesn't like change, and it stresses him and makes him feel out of control. He has a very strong need to be in control of all situations. This was not news to me, but it was the first time I had ever heard him admit it. And while I can sympathize with his feelings, change is inevitable, so he has to find a more constructive way to cope (other than taking it out on me!).
My big revelation for the night was realizing the source of a big part of my weight problems all of these years. I asked him why he reacted so explosively at seeing the paint samples on the wall. It took him a very long time to give me any kind of answer, but basically he said he didn't know other than just not liking change...it just gave him some kind of relief to get it out. In essence, he was transferring some of his pain and frustration onto me, by making me feel as upset as he was. Our "aha" moment came when I tried to explain to him that my way of dealing with stress and out of control situations was to eat. His way of dealing with stressful and out of control situations was to deflect that frustration on to me. My way of coping was harmful to my body. His way of coping was harmful to my spirit. Basically, both of our ways of coping were abusive to ME!!! No wonder I have been overweight most of my adult life! I told him that we both need to find new ways of dealing with our problems. I have already started working on mine, but I was not going to take his abuse anymore, so he better find a new way as well!
So, with all of that being said, I know we still have a long road ahead, but hopefully identifying the problem is a big step in the right direction.
I went after work yesterday to get the paint and supplies, and started painting last night. I had just finished cutting in around the edges when DH got home. He was still stressed to see the changes, but I just kept working anyway while he was watching from the bed. As I was getting ready to pour the paint in the tray to start with the roller, he said he would do it, because I would just make a mess. I held my tongue and stepped back to let him do it. Then he said he might as well just paint the wall, so it was done right. This was one instance when having a controlling husband comes in handy - lol! While I am at work today, he is home finishing painting our bedroom! I am still very insulted by his reasoning, but we will deal with than later. At least the job is getting done, and because of his perfectionist tendencies, he will probably do a better job than I could have. We finished one wall last night and it is perfect! It is going to be gorgeous and I know DH will adjust!
We still have a lot of work to do on our relationship, but after being married 23 years, we are both committed to the marriage and staying together for a lifetime. I love him (and all of his little idiosyncrasies) with all of my heart, and I know that he loves me too! Now, we just have to figure out a way to deal with our problems that is not harmful to either of us! By the grace of God, I know we will do it!
Thank you, friends, for taking the time to listen to my personal problems (however petty they may seem) and offer your love and support and wisdom! All of this is part of my journey and learning to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit! I now have great hope for my future because of the support I have found from you!
By the way, there is one other thing that I wanted to share with you that you may not be aware of. I think it will help you understand a little more about what a huge deal having this support has been to me. I have always been a painfully shy person. I still remember the tile pattern on the floor at my elementary school because that is where I was always looking. As I got older, I was always afraid I would say something embarrassing or that people would think that what I had to say was dumb...so most of the time I said nothing. I had very few friends (usually just one at a time) growing up. As an adult, my kids became my life, and I isolated myself from the outside world. Other than my family, I have only had one or two people that I have actually considered my friends, but they are no longer in my life at this time. This may sound kind of sad, but right now, you are pretty much it. You are my friends and you are my support. You are the ones who have helped me to discover new things about myself. You are the ones who have helped me to stay with this journey when I wanted to give up. You are the ones who helped me to realize how strong I really am. You are the ones who made me feel like I had something worth saying. After all of these years, you are the ones who have finally helped me find my voice.
So, how can I ever thank you enough? There are just no words to express how lifechanging this experience has been. All I can say is "thank you" from the bottom of my heart!