Thursday, October 24, 2013
I.....am an emotional wreck. It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way. Self-depreciating thoughts attack me from all angles. Self-consciousness bordering on paranoia are at an all time high. I feel like a failure.
I've been going to physical therapy for my knee for a couple of months now (tendonitis at the top, arthritis in two places, and a 3 inch cyst in the back). It's helping the tendonitis located at the top of my knee, but my knee joint will never be better. Arthritis doesn't go away, especially when it is nearly bone on bone. Right now, I'm doing all I can to avoid a knee replacement, which the orthopedic doctor told me is probably in my future. He also told me that for every pound I lose, it takes 8 lbs of pressure off of my knees. I'm 37 years old, not 87. Underneath all of this fat and arthritis is an athlete. I know there is. I long to walk long distances and to run 5K's, but it's hard to do that when walking around the block causes severe pain and limping.
I'm tired of the well-wishers. The people who are trying to be surface-level supportive, but really just make me feel like crap - I know this is my issue, not theirs. Like my Mom who is now an empty nester and walking on a regular basis and has lost 40 lbs. I'm so proud of her, and happy for her. But, she gives me all her fat clothes and then talks about how much weight she is losing. I know it is without ill-intent...and I'm so grateful to not have to buy new clothes this winter, but it's like a knife to the gut every time.
And then, there's my co-worker - a friend of mine actually. She's thin. And single. And has no kids. She doesn't have the constraints of having to work around other people's schedules. If she wants to go to the gym at 10:00 PM, off she goes. She doesn't understand how little time I have to myself. Or that I'm homebound in the evenings/nights because my husband works 2nd shift, so I can't just pick up and go to the gym. And I feel judged by her because I keep failing to lose weight. The "are you still_____?", "why don't you just______?', "how come you don't_____?" comments are not helpful.
I feel that sense of disdain when people look at me.....I often feel embarrassed, ashamed, and I don't want to go places. I just can't seem to get by the emotional part of weight loss. It has always been my biggest barrier. And now I have a bum knee that restricts my activity. I have been contemplating bariatric surgery. I don't want bariatric surgery. But, I have a consult appointment next week. Scheduling that appointment made me feel weak, like a failure. I don't know if I'm going to go thru with going to the appointment...but then if I don't go, I know I will feel like I wasted another opportunity.
I feel stuck.