Thursday, October 24, 2013
I have no clue what I feel right now. I know I am tired of feeling how I do. I am tired of clinging on to hope for my relationship. I shrug my shoulders. ĎCause there is nothing I can do and I donít want to any more. I am tired of caring about a person that never thinks about me. Who tells me that I should stop caring and sacrificing myself or things for him. I thought that was what a relationship was about? To make each other happy and go above and beyond. I have to stop trying to fit this idea in my head that what I see isnít the truth. It is right in my face! I see it and I alter the truth just to feed this dumb idea of what it should be like in my head. I donít even want to hear I love you. What about the words I care for you. Those words are to me what I want to hear and see. Caring for me means you have to show it. The word love is vague and interpreted in many ways. But care is a word that has to be expressed. To care for someone is deeper to me at this point in my life than the word love.
So now that I see clearly and I know itís because these people that are new to my life pray for me daily. I will start to let go slowly and give it to God. I am suffering and it hurts too much for me to carry this anymore. I feel I have to because itís as if I hear it clearly a voice telling me to let it go and you will be fine. Many things are about to change for me because certain routines that I have built around me will no longer exist anymore because I will listen and let go. It will all be handed over to Him.
I am so grateful for these people in my Team. Being a leader has helped me in ways you will never truly understand. I feel I have a new found reason to succeed. To do this not only for myself but because through all of the love that I receive from them daily, all the prayer they sent my way and because I have such a beautiful daughter, I need to listen to what I was told to do. For the first time in my life I feel safe and I am not scared.