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The harsh reality

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I have gained 32 pounds since April 2013. My brain knew I was gaining because I never stopped weighing myself. The more I gained, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more anxious I became. The more anxious I am, the more I eat. The more I eat, the more weight I gain.

I felt like I was spiraling down and just couldn't break the cycle. I could ignore it while at work most of the time. I stay distracted. As soon as I clock out the anxiety begins to build. By the time I get home it's almost like an addiction I HAVE to feed. Then I eat all evening long until I just can't hold any more. By the time I go to bed I am so miserable that I am having to sleep sitting up again. Extra food + Extra weight = Severe Reflux.

Today started good. On track for Breakfast. On track for Lunch. No snacks, doughnuts or cakes to tempt me at the desk today.

Then I clocked out and headed home. The anxiety started to build and I could feel what was coming. I told myself like many times before that I wouldn't give in. I kept telling myself "you know you are not hungry!". I told myself to change when I get home, into gym clothes and go do 'something'. I knew when I got home I would be ignoring myself yet again.

By the time I made it home I almost felt paralysed by the anxiety and knowing I would be letting myself down again.

I walked into the house and just stopped. I took several long breaths and walked into my room and changed into my 'gym' clothes and walked straight back out the door! I went to the gym. I felt nervous and uncomfortable. It was the first time I had been to the new coed gym. I got on the treadmill thinking this would be the easy way to start. I did 17 mins at a 3.5 incline and 2.5 miles/hr. I know that does not sound like a lot but when I started a few years back all I could do was 5 mins at 1.5 miles an hour, so I was very impressed with myself. I got off the treadmill and wiped it down. I even made myself stand there and do all of my stretches which I am very uncomfortable doing in public. As I was finishing my stretches, I glanced up and right into a mirror.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. My mind shouted, "Who IS that?!" and I just stared. I was horrified. I was concentrating so hard on trying to talk myself into the gym that I never paid attention to what I looked like in my gym clothes. The same gym clothes I was using 32 pounds ago. It was not a pretty site and all I could keep thinking was, "I look like the michelin man." Do you remember him? Look it up. That was me minus the smile and muscled arms.

I left as quickly as possible. I sat in my van for a long time thinking. How did I get this bad? How can I look like that? I knew the weight was gaining but I didn't realize I was 'that' bad because I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror except except to brush my hair. Talking about a bad reality check.

I deserved that but I just can't live like this. It's not me. I drove to WalMart and went inside, very aware of how tight and small my clothes were. Cutting and binding in spots I didn't notice before the mirror. I can't tell you how many clothes I tried on and almost threw them all back. But I didn't. I walked out of their with 3 new brightly colored workout shirts! All size 3X! That is a high for me and not a good high.

I came back home entered my fitness into SparkPeople tracker, entered my food choices into the food tracker and fixed my meal and ate it very slowly. I took my shower and sat down again and decided to make a blog entry to help me work through some of my feelings.

I know this isn't a very positive post but this was my day. It was the best day I have had in a very long time and I hope to have many more like it. (Minus the tight workout clothes and looking into the mirror!)

I set my goals on the new start page this morning before leaving for work. I think setting those goals where I could see them was a push I needed to change something, do something today. I am so thankful for SparkPeople and my SparkFriends!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Take it One Day At A Time. There isn't anything you can't do for Just One Day.
    1609 days ago
    Sounds like you are back on plan. Keep pushing till you get to goal!!
    1609 days ago
    I'm impressed with your honesty and the excellent fitness effort you made. I hear how hard this is for you. Sending a big hug and congratulations on a job well done today!

    1609 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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