Amazing. That so many emotions can co-exist behind glazed eyes and plain skin is astonishing. I have so many unrefined thoughts about my journey, swirling about in my head, crashing against each other as waves upon rocks. I've spent the last two weeks trying to let them simmer and reduce into something that I can share here, both for myself and for those of you who have become so dear to me. The following is my attempt to put them now to paper.
Being beneath 200 pounds for the first time in over seven years, has given me the greatest pause for reflection that I've had since starting this journey. If you read back to one of my original posts, I spoke about my hopes to be at 220 pounds by Christmas time... heh, I'm so invested in what I'm typing right now that my eyes actually just welled up after writing that, feelings of pride. Good thing I've the luxury of writing this and not blubbering through it in person! :-D In four and a half months, I've transformed my body more successfully than I ever intended, certainly more successfully than I ever expected. I entered into this having shaken off the mightiest obstacle of "if I can't have results right away, what is it worth working for". I set my mind firmly on the knowledge that it might take me years to work off the weight, but that I was resolved to do whatever was necessary. What followed was a three month roller coaster of massive numbers dropped every week, and a rapid change in my appearance. The next month and a half saw my numbers settle in around the rang of zero to two pound loss per week. Overall, this is the physical transformation I've gone through in this short period of time (I can't believe I'm sharing this picture, lol):
The title of my post is "Time to Heal", and in the last couple of weeks, I've been working through how my self-esteem has changed, and how my confidence has returned to me. I've been looking back on who I was before I made this change, and have been trying to paint a picture in my mind of how these emotional changes have impacted me. Having explored it a fair bit, I've come to the conclusion that my current happiness and confidence isn't a result of lost weight - but that my lost weight has been the result of my deeper joy and confidence in what I've been doing with my life since June. The emotional change is what unlocked the physical change. When I made the appeal to myself, pleading to change the direction I was headed in, I became a new person and the weight has melted off to reveal that new person. I haven't simply been losing weight in the past four months, I've been healing. I've been recovering from the emotional pains I inflicted upon myself for so many years. This realization came shortly before I hit 199 this past Friday, and so this last week has felt like one long, relaxing, exhale.
On the heels of my personal revelation, and my admission to the famously coined 'Onederland', I then received the invitation to join Spark People's team of success stories. It all seems to be converging at a time where, for the first time in many years, I feel like myself again. During the past two days, I've been hunting ferociously for 'before' pictures of myself. Having found a treasure trove of them at my parents house last night, I had one final moment of closure on my emotional journey. I looked at this picture...
... and my first emotion was complete sadness. You have to understand something about my journey and the relatively rapid weight-loss I've had - it means that I'm not that far removed from the me that I used to be. When I stared at the man above, I felt everything that he felt about himself as if I was still him. I felt sad for him... for ten seconds. As the seconds ticked by, I came to realize that I owe everything I've accomplished in the last four months to the man you see in that picture above. It was he who found the strength to become this new version of myself. He found the courage deep down inside, and the conviction to do what he knew had to be done. I'm the beneficiary of the success he started only three days after this picture was taken. I'm so desperately proud of him... and in realizing that I've been him all along... that there are no other versions of myself but one... I finally became desperately proud of myself.