Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I've spent my teen-adult life mad; or disappointed at one person. My Dad. I have always Loved my Dad and always will. There was things that he would do or say that would hurt me mentally or emotionally; and I don't think he ever knew how it effected me. I still don't know if he knows how much it still effects me. Even at 30 if i'm over at my parents home and he raises his voice, i cringe and fold into myself and have to step out side.
We never had a Daddy's girl relationship. It was rocky as hell sometimes. and heartbreaking to boot. He owned a Gas station and I got roped into working there and ended up getting stuck working till the day they sold it. There were days when I just wanted to burn that place to the ground. I hated it there. I still have uneasy feelings just driving by the place when I go up to visit. We had some bad moment's there, But we also has some shockingly good times. The first time my heart was truly broken I found out while I was at work there. Dad came over hugged me rubbed my back and said I will be okay. Things will get better. Told the guy working the shop to keep an eye on the pumps and we spent the rest of the day driving around on back roads. That was a good day.
When I was in my late teens my parent hit a wall and my Mom filed for Divorce. He was crushed and I could tell that it was braking his heart. As much as I hated him for the things that were said and done. I still loved him. They decided to not divorce if he had anger manigment. Witch he did and for graduation the family: My Mom, Brother, Sister and I went with him and he had to make amends and state to us all the changes he would make, and apologised to us all. I got so mad at him. every ounce of me wanted to stand up and call his bluff. Tell him he's a liar and he will never live up to his promises, and that he's only saying and doing this so Mom won't leave him. But I let him say what he needed and we all hugged it out. I accepted his sorry's but with a grain of salt.
Now that I am older; and not living with him; things are different. I have done a lot of growing up. More since leaving home. After watching Dr.Phil and various shows on phycology and reading books on it; It made me wonder. What in his past, in his childhood, made him the way he is today. I don't think I will ever know. I'm sure he wouldn't talk about it. But from what my Mom say's it wasn't good. So with that little fruit of knowledge, I look at him in a different light. He has his moment where he can be mean as a rattle snake, but then out of nowhere he has these moments that you just have to say. "I love that ol' man"
Today i got a message on my facebook under one of my post's that said
"I love you my little girl'
It made me smile so much. It made my night. I know he loves me, and I love him and growing up as a teen it sometimes felt like it was forced. Like he was just saying it cause he's my Dad and that's what Dads should do. But now I look back and I know that he did mean it. Every time my heart was broken, When the snow bank jumped in front of my car and crunched the front of it, When the school was not giving me the education I needed, when a ex of mine went crazy and tossed in jail for what he did, when I had an emotional nerves breakdown, and when I wanted to move 200 plus miles away from home to be with a man who loved me for me, he was there to help me out. He was always the one to lend a shoulder to cry on and a wise word or two. There is still things I wish I could say to him and I hope someday I will be strong and brave enough to say them. But in a way I dont think I will ever have to say them. Cause I think I know the answer. He tried his best by not spoiling me. Even my mother admits that they didnt want to spoil me and in fact it was the opposite. I spoiled them by being so well behaved. Witch I had to chuckle at cause I wasn't that behaved, I did my fair share of rule braking. Just was sneaky about it and did it out of sight and on the down low. Witch she knows all about... just not the details. And I didnt want to do anything to 'rebel' cause I feared the wrath known as My Dad. Still do in a way. lol
All in all I love my Father and he is a wonderful guy. No one is perfect and God knows he's just as flawed as any one else is. I do hope that someday he will get the help he needs to help him balance his negitivaty and mood swings. But i can understand why he hasnt. He's a little old school as my hubbie puts it. Most Man, even a Macho Man don't want to be seen as weak or sick. It's a guy thing and Being a girl, I'll never get it. But i do get it. If that is one thing i've learned from him, it's Never let them see you at your weakest. But someday he will put the wall down. I know he will and when he dose, I will be there for him like he has been there for me all these years.