Sitting here crying like a baby:(

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Maybe it's because I had to talk about my dad at the Lyme doctors office and say how much stress he's brought into my life this year that has my crying like an idiot right now.
To have to admit to him he was literally making me sick with the stress he was bringing into my life and my family's life, my voice was cracking as I spoke about him, telling him how I had to just cut ties with my dad over what he was doing to me.
To tell him how he was belittling me , just sooooo mean and the doctors face as I said it he didn't know what to say except for sometimes you just have to get people that are literally making you sick out of your life for your own good.
Maybe it's because the holidays are right around the corner or maybe it's because we shared a love of baseball and the Red Sox are in the World Series.
I have tried not to let it bother me that he doesn't even care enough to call me after close to 3 months, the person that had his back when he was on a respirator, got all that help for him through the Veterans and my brothers who don't even care he treats like Kings and me like crap.
I haven't really been talking about my dad much because it hurts waaaaaaaay too much it's like an open wound and someone keeps pouring alcohol in it, but today hurt to have to tell that doctor that I had to stop bothering with my dad cause he was making me sick.
I can't even imagine not talking to my son for almost 3 months that would kill me , my son has my heart and if I ever did something to turn him away from me believe me it wouldn't take me long to apologize and make it right, but I guess the difference is I love him and my dad doesn't love me.
I sure didn't deserve the parents I got, but at least I didn't choose to be the same kind of parent with my son... I chose to show love on a daily basis and for that i've been rewarded with a son that kisses me on the cheek every single night before bed and tonight he said out of the blue mom your the best!
That is something I could never say to either one of my parents in my life.... so I'll sit here and cry a little longer I'm sure, but tomorrow I'll try to put this behind me..... put up the walls I've been harboring since August 6th because I'm going to need them to be strong for when he passes and knowing that he didn't care enough to call after all the crap he's put me through.... I honestly knew he'd never bother again it shouldn't be a surprise to me, but it HURTS BAD. REALLY BAD.............. emoticon I mean why do I miss the abuse? Had I been a boy things would of been so much different but I'm the only girl and that's the difference....................
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Dear lady,
    I don't know you or your whole family situation but I can tell you as a former geriatric nurse that sometimes people, parents in particular, will say the most unkind things to their children. The explanation is simple but so hard for that chosen person to understand. We as humans tend to say the most unkind things to those we trust the most deeply. The ones we know will love us no matter what. Unfortunately, that can be very hard to accept or understand. Changes in the brain can also affect senior's emotions, changing someone who perhaps once had the ability to temper their tongues to no longer do so. The generation that grew up in the 30's, 40's, 50's and even some 60's weren't raised the same way the children of the 70's, 80's, 90's. Those generations produced a lot of parents who were stricter and didn't realize the pain words could cause. I gather from your words that you're not especially close to your brothers? Or if I'm reading wrong perhaps you could get them to speak to your dad about toning down his hurtful remarks. You also are able to curb this by stating clearly that you would appreciate being treated more courteously and remind your father that you've been there to help him in the past but that his hurtful remarks need to stop or you must limit your contact for your own health. Sometimes standing up as an adult for yourself makes you less vulnerable. Whatever you do, please don't let this be something that ruins your whole life. People have a choice to be a victim or a survivor.
    All the best to you.
    1578 days ago
    I think you are morning for the parents that you long for. Since your Dad is alive there is always a hope inside of us the one day they will wake up and try to reconnect in a healthy way. Until he passes you will have that hope deep down. You will have to take time to morn the father that you don't have or it will eat at you. There is nothing wrong with wishing things were different. But you are doing the right thing by not returning to the situation if they want to reconnect then they need to make the first move. f they don't you can know that you did the best you could! Just take care of your little family!
    1578 days ago
    1579 days ago
  • KATRICK528
    I know where you are coming from... I am sorry you have to go through this.

    1579 days ago
    so sorry u have to go through this, but si glad u have such a great son! sending hugs your way! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1579 days ago
  • RD03875
    So sorry, HUGS!
    1580 days ago
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