Tuesday, October 22, 2013
I have this unique knack for knowing exactly when to blog about how good we are doing immediately before the rug is pulled out from under me.......
I went home for lunch yesterday to find Be high. :-( He is denying it completely, but I know. He's my husband and best friend, I know when he's under the influence of something. I am so heart broken. I'm angry.
Right now we're at the point where I'm pretty much quiet and not really talking to him while he continues to deny the fact that he used. This d*mn merry-go-round is exhausting. The thing is, I know that doing and reacting the exact same way as I have been for about 5 years now is doing no one any good, but I don't know *HOW* to react differently.
I'm sure being in Al-Anon will help with that, but as I haven't really gotten into it yet, I don't have that ability.
Speaking of which, I attempted another Al-Anon meeting last night. The pamphlet I got last week from the AA gentleman said 8:00. I was in the parking lot freaking out with anxiety by 7:40. There were quite a few cars in the lot already, but I wanted to wait for another person to walk in with. Going to a new place is so intimidating to me.
Anyway, finally, a gentleman pulled in and I got out too. Turns out he was looking for the AA meeting and this was his first time in the church too. We walked around all over that place. We heard voices behind a closed door, but after listening a little outside of it, he declared that wasn't it. So we kind of just mulled around the lobby for a little while longer. No one else came which was really weird, so we took off to a different part of the church. We found a group downstairs so we went in. Now, having been to many AA meetings with Be, I could tell this meeting was in full swing, well into it. It was right at 8:00 when we walked in.
So, we both sat down and finished out the rest of the meeting. I got to talking to someone afterward and asked about the start times as well as if there was an Al-Anon meeting somewhere too. Turns out they both started at 7:30. He took me upstairs to meet his wife coming out of the Al-Anon meeting. She welcomed me warmly and invited me to come back next Monday at 7:30.
*sigh* Why does this stuff have to be so hard? I know it may not seem like much. But when my world is falling apart and I feel like there just may be some relief in attending an Al-Anon meeting, I feel like a failure when it doesn't happen. I've attempted 2 meetings and have failed 2 times. *sigh*
That brings me to tonight. Tonight is our regular night for AA together with Be. This is also the night of the original Al-Anon meeting that I tried last week.
*IF* there is an Al-Anon meeting tonight, I will attend that instead of going downstairs with Be to the AA meeting. I have to keep trying. This thing is beating me.
I know in my head that I cannot change him. I cannot change the fact that he is an addict. I cannot cure this. I cannot fix him.
I also know that I am not supposed to allow someone's actions to determine my happiness. But, how in the world are you supposed to do that? I know what I am supposed to do, I just don't know HOW to do it........
I have so many emotions running through me right now. I'm pissed off. I'm heartbroken. I hate him. I love him. I am so angry with the world. I am also blessed to have the clean time that we did have.
Sometimes I think this thing is bigger than me. Stronger than me. But I can't let it defeat me. I can't.