Monday, October 21, 2013
Long time no see. I've been an avoider, I'll admit it. I'm back in Asia where most people are tiny. I don't think I've gained/lost any weight since my last update. I guess the good news is I didn't gain (since my pants and clothes feel the same), but bad because I lost my mojo. I kind of knew this would happen when I went back to Manila because of the newness. Last time I was here I learned the hard lesson of consuming too much alcohol. This time, I've been here a little over a month and have only drank twice. Lesson learned.
The lesson I didn't really learn was my eating habits. I ate for convenience instead of health. We get one free room service meal a day, so I ate it. It wasn't super super unhealthy, consisting mostly of sandwiches and fries, or pasta, or rice and asian-esque meats, but it wasn't as healthy as I could be either.
It was an eye opener the other day to me, yesterday actually, when I was once again feeling jealous of one of my friends for losing so much weight. I'll admit it, I have felt some resentment towards her because I am so jealous of her success. She looks DAMN good. It got so far that I rarely spoke to her because I was so embarrassed that I couldn't fight my own demons. I was embarrassed to talk to her because she was doing so well, and all I could say for myself was that I walked down the block to McDonald's for lunch. Her and another friend of hers started to "take back our lives" on the same day, and the two of them have lost 100 lbs combined. Over 100 lbs. That's so amazing.
Instead of just hiding in my hole, I realized that really it was sadness. Sadness that I wasn't celebrating with them. Sadness that I felt like I wasn't good enough to love myself enough to buckle down and make those healthy lifestyle changes. Rock bottom? No, I wouldn't say I hit rock bottom. I haven't gone back to my insane eating habits of daily McDonald's, a dozen donuts, etc. It's just that I'm stagnant. It's like I hit a stop sign and didn't want to move forward, but I also didn't want to go back.
So there's my confession. Amy, you are a rockstar, shine on, and I love you like a sister, even though I haven't been showing it lately. Zana, I don't know you that well, but I admire your strength and ambition.
I WILL join you ladies at the finish line, even though my pace is slower. I refuse to get lost again.