Monday, October 21, 2013
Once again it has been a while since i've been here; and a lot has happened..or not happened in my year long absence.
I got a Doctor who was very nice. but he was little to no help. What I did found out is that I have the start of arthritis in my right knee Witch really sucks cause im only 30) and that about all i learned. My other issue i'm having is 'chick problems' and when asking if it could be 'A' or 'B' he said may not be, and basically all my problems is cause im fat (mind you he said it in a my doctor way) as for the constant pain i am in between my knee and my back, the pills he gave me was basically just aspirin, and when I said it wasn't working, Try Tylenol. Depression...go see a shrink.
So being upset i thought. "Why pay for what I all ready knew". I continued to try to not over indulge my self in the richness of sweets and overindulgence. and I did well. Ice cream, candy's and cheese drowned calzones were little to non. But the body pains and depression ensued.
Few weeks ago, I woke up and before my eyes had time to adjust to the light i had tears swelling up. No reason. Just started on it's own. Then every bad choice, every regret, everything i have ever done in my life that i would want to change, came racing back into my thought. Even some i have not thought about for many years; Bad ones. After a while of just sobbing my self in and out of sleep. I gathered all the thoughts and feelings, and mentally boxed them away. relaxed my shoulders, took a big breath in and slowly released and blanked out all negative thoughts and emotions. Then went on with my day. It wasn't long before it all got reopened. The pain from my knee was unbearable, and i ended up more mad then anything. Everything I wanted to get done was quickly out the door. instead. I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch watching 'Lost' and crying; then hating myself more cause nothing got done and i didn't even have anything planed for dinner or eat at all. Patrick came home from work with dinner and a much needed hug. And a letter from the Doctors office. The dread came in fast. I got all worried that it was going to be another surprise bill that my simi-crap insurance didn't cover, or that the doc was dropping me as a patient due to lack of visit (weather that's a thing or not that's what my brain was saying) but instead it was saying that my PCDR (primary care DR.) Was moving away and I had a new Dr. =D I got instantly happy cause not only did have i have a new dr, i had a lady dr. Whom i feel i would be more comfortable with anyway.
So I have met my new DR. And she is as lovely and nice and the nicest and loveliest could be. We talked for about 3 hours. Talked and walked threw all my ailments and how they are affecting me day to day. and we (Patrick and i) told her about the last dr. and how he was not much help. Then to top it off, she even suggested that we check to see if my 'lady issue' could be in fact what I asked my first dr about. She stepped out of the room to consult another about something, and i cried. Patrick gave me a bug hug and asked "whats wrong?" "I'm just so happy. We finally found a doctor who is willing to help me more" after a few more tears and got my self collected she came back and more talk about treatment and choices of salutation. By time we left it was dark and the cleaning crew was their.
in the end I was put on anti-depression pills. Witch is something i should have been on since i was a kid. I am going to be receiving shots in my knee to help with pain and comfort. I am also going to receive physical therapy. due to my 'deadly circle' im in I will be able to learn ways to work out with out strain on my knee and back, so i can get some strength back so i can eventually go hard. If the diet doesn't help, then we try pills, if that fails, then surgery.
I know this is going to be a harder journey then any other time i tried. I'm bigger then ever but im all so weaker then ever. But I also have more to fight for. A wonderful man who loves me and wants me around longer then 10 -20 years, a handsome nephew and Godson who I want to see grow up to become a man, and with any luck a family of my own. Not to forget concerts, parties, travil vacations and lots of other things i need to be around to see. I know ive said it before. but now I actually have the help i need to do this. Now to take dinner out of the oven.