Monday, October 21, 2013
I'm not just changing my weight. When we start this journey we tend to just think about our weight changing, us getting thinner, and maybe purchasing new clothes in the "regular" department stores. It's rare that we consider ALL of the other changes that may take place.
Almost two years ago all i wanted to do was lose weight. Thats all that i focused on. I had no clue what changes would come from that one simple thought. Fast forward two years and here's what i've just come to figure out for myself. Yes, the weight loss will change my physical appearance. Yes, i can purchase better looking clothes in smaller sizes. BUT...
I did not realize that my mindset would change. please allow me to explain...
It used to be that regardless of my emotion I just wanted to eat and eat lots of whatever it is. I'd easily pick up a large pizza and devour it all by myself. It was never a problem. Somewhere along the way the fast food, drive-ins and quick pick up food items fell to the side and I fell in love with cooking and baking with all sorts of veggies and meats.
Even when i'm having one of my days where i just want to curl up on the couch, I will not turn to my pizza for comfort. Odd how that happens out of the blue.
DATING & MEN:
At 320lbs I thought i had to take whoever wanted me. I didn't really have a "type" of guy, he just needed to be breathing and be interested. I basically had zero self esteem so it did not matter to me.
I'm still far from where i'd like to be at weight-wise, but I have changed my outlook on dating and men. I now find that I am attracted to men that want the same things out of life. Men that can appreciate and understand where i'm coming from and where i'm going. Men that may be on this same journey with me. I mean really - who's going to understand you better?
At 320lbs i was scared to talk to a man. I just felt so judged and belittled. AND this was without ever talking to someone! It was all in my own head. I had this attitude of being defeated before i ever even tried. But things are changing.
When you start moving away from your comfort zone somehow this new personality starts to emerge. I'm still the same person i've always been, i'm just not as scared to show it. Why? Because when you start living your life the way you actually want to live it you start feeling more confident, more powerful, more comfortable in your own skin. You're no longer scared to death of allowing people to see you for who you actually are...i'm not scared in that way any longer.
When i started out it was all about just going walking or going to the gym...maybe throw in a few video's. BUT once i started rally moving things started to pick up and i found a new love! I did my 2nd 5k in April of 2012 ONLY because i so badly needed to replace the memory of my first ever 5k that took place in 2009. What i did not realize was that by doing that 2nd 5k i started falling in love with races.
In 2012 alone i completed over 15 5k's. In 2013 i've completed 2 5k's, 1 10k and 2 half marathons. I'm scheduled for the Susan G Koman 3 Day, 60 Mile walk in less than 2 weeks, and i'm registered for 3 other 5k's before the end of the year. In 2014 i'm registered for a 5k, a 10k and 2 half marathons already. My plan is to attempt my first sprint tri by the end of 2014.
What started out as something so small and simple has blossomed into something so much more.
So while my outlook on food, fitness, dating and men has changed quite a bit the biggest changes have come from within.
When i look in the mirror i no longer see that sad, lonely girl looking back at me. She was always so lonely and down. She didn't think anyone ever cared for her so she didn't care for herself. BUT now when i look in the mirror I see a woman that is strong, and confident, and is seeking out new challenges everyday. I see a woman that loves herself and respects herself. I see a woman that wants more out of life then whats just handed to her. She has a smile on her face and it doesn't easily or quickly fade away. I see a woman that is growing stronger everyday. She has determination and a commitment like no other.
Don't get me wrong...i still have those days where the voice in my head wins out and i feel like that girl from 2 years ago. But more and more that voice is being quieted and replaced with the voice of a warrior.
Here's the flip-side to these changes...
I need to remember that I'm making changes to myself...that does NOT mean that others are changing. And sometimes when we change, it brings out things in others that we may soon realize we do not like or agree with or will want to put up with any longer.
How many times are we in a relationship - whether it be a friendship or greater - and once we start changing we wonder why the other person isn't enough for us any longer. It's hard...it's difficult...it can hurt when we start to improve ourselves, and we start to change the way we view life and those we care about are still in the same spot we were in a few years ago. What do we do? Relationships are tough...so where at one time the two of you had EVERYTHING In common, now you realize that you are no longer on the same page. So much has changed. Sometimes you MUST fight to keep the relationship alive...and other times...
Who knew that by losing a bit of weight would bring about so many changes...