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I cant handle anymore bad news :(

Monday, October 21, 2013

So, you all know I'm pretty upset/worried about my upcoming medical procedures - upper GI scope and colonoscopy. Tried to get my celiac and lactose intolerance blood tests done about a week and a half ago, but when I got to the hospital the computer systems were down, so I would have had to wait at least 3 hours (thats when they expected the computers to be working again), but since it was a fasting blood test and I hadnt eaten in 12 hours, I was starving and left. Then last week I went away for a week for work to attend/assist in teaching a training course on my job. While I was there I got even worse news...

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stage 2. She has her biopsy today. Next week she is having surgery to remove the cancer. They dont think it has spread to her lympnodes yet. There is a chance she may not need chemo. My mom is trying to be optimistic. I am like a train wreck.

I really couldnt process it while I was away. I was busy all day in class and preparing for my small seminars that I was running. We also had forced socialization time, since the course was for the navy and marine jags, we were strongly encouraged to network/build social connections with them in our downtime. So I didnt have time to really think about it.

When I got home Friday night, I pretty much walked in the door and broke down crying. I felt so completely out of control and yet couldnt stop. It was like everything I was bottling up exploded. I didnt want to be around people and I didnt want to be alone. J just stayed with me and held me.

We went out to breakfast on Saturday morning as we usually do. I was so out of it that when he asked me where I wanted to go I said I didnt care. He picked a really nice breakfast place that we dont usually go to because it is expensive. Then we went pumpkin picking even though I felt very shut inside myself. I appreciated his trying. He went out with friends that night and I was kind of relieved because I didnt feel like I had the energy to try and be ok for him. I spent my evening making chili, catching up on my DVR, and then cutting fabric for 3 hours. To be honest, I felt much better after that.

Sunday I woke up, ate breakfast, worked on a wreath I had started a long time ago for J, and finished it. And then I went shopping. Always a good coping mechanism. I purchased 3 new pairs of pants, 4 shirts, and 3 pairs of shoes. I am not even a shoe person. I also cooked 2 more meals so now my freezer is stocked up on food for this week.

I am really worried and scared for my mom. My grandma (on my dad's side) passed away from breast cancer when I was 16. My grandma on my mom's side is currently battling colon cancer. I just dont even know how to handle it and I feel bad calling my mom to talk to her because I know that I must sound so completely upset which probably doesnt help her feel better. And I worry about how my dad is handling everything because when his mom passed away he was absolutely devastated!

And then I am also worried about me because I still have my medical tests going on, and though I offered to cancel them to go home and be with my mom, she told me she would be extremely mad at me if I did that and to just come home another time. So I am trying to figure out if going home for Thanksgiving is a good idea, though I already had plans to go home with J to his family's. He will obviously understand. But Thanksgiving is like a month away and I feel like I should go home before then. I am still trying to figure it all out.

This is all just so much to take in - I dont think I can handle anymore bad news. :(
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm really sorry to read about your mom's diagnosis and can honesty say I know how you've been feeling. Although I was just a few miles away not across the country. Make sure she has an advocate - someone that can be there at doctors appointments to take notes in a centralized notebook or even record the doctor (if they consent) on a handheld player. There is often so many questions that come up and a lot of information to take in. Hopefully she'll stay off the Internet, but someone else can do research on that end and report pertinent things back- like I found certain vitamins my mom should take during chemo that the doc didnt mention. Oh and he oncologist kept forgetting to order her Vitamin D bloodwork and turns out she was very deficient and felt tons more energy after supplementing.

    I really hope the surgery is successful and she doesn't need the full gamut of treatment that my mom did. Feel free to message me if you have any questions or need some resources.
    1141 days ago
    So sorry to hear this :( Sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts!! xo
    1142 days ago
  • JEWELS571
    Prayers for your mom!
    1143 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1143 days ago
    So sorry to hear about your mom... sending you

    1143 days ago
  • BILL60
    The Marines say, "Overcome and Adapt". Hang tough!!
    1143 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Stay strong my friend/
    1143 days ago
    So sorry to hear all your troubles piling on you now. You know you always have the love, support, and caring wishes for you and yours. emoticon
    1143 days ago
    1144 days ago
    Hang in there and call your mom. We mom's want to here from our children no matter the circumstance. emoticon
    1144 days ago
    emoticon I have several friends - And My Mom - who have fought Breast Cancer and Won! They are doing well now. My Prayers will be with You, Your Mom, and her Medical Team!
    1144 days ago
    Wow, you've got a lot going on all at once! Just try to take it one piece at a time, and DON'T avoid talking to your mom cause you're afraid she'll know you're upset. She needs to hear from you and if she ends up comforting you, it'll make her feel better anyway probably...weird but true!

    I wish your mom the best in her surgery...things have come a long way and are much better than years ago with treatments, testing, etc. for breast cancer, so try to have faith it'll work out. emoticon
    1144 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about your mom, it is completly understandable why you would be so upset. Just be there for her and help her through this.
    1144 days ago
    I am sorry to hear about your mom. I have been there (twice) with my mom and I know this is a difficult time for you and your entire family. Talk to your therapist about it - that's what they are there for. I agree with your mom that you need to take care of yourself first and then go visit her. Maybe you can find a short weekend just to go visit then plan a longer trip a little later.

    Again, I am so sorry for this difficult news. I am here to talk if you need it. emoticon
    1144 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1144 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I know I would be a wreck, too.
    1144 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/21/2013 12:28:29 PM
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