Monday, October 21, 2013
So, you all know I'm pretty upset/worried about my upcoming medical procedures - upper GI scope and colonoscopy. Tried to get my celiac and lactose intolerance blood tests done about a week and a half ago, but when I got to the hospital the computer systems were down, so I would have had to wait at least 3 hours (thats when they expected the computers to be working again), but since it was a fasting blood test and I hadnt eaten in 12 hours, I was starving and left. Then last week I went away for a week for work to attend/assist in teaching a training course on my job. While I was there I got even worse news...
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stage 2. She has her biopsy today. Next week she is having surgery to remove the cancer. They dont think it has spread to her lympnodes yet. There is a chance she may not need chemo. My mom is trying to be optimistic. I am like a train wreck.
I really couldnt process it while I was away. I was busy all day in class and preparing for my small seminars that I was running. We also had forced socialization time, since the course was for the navy and marine jags, we were strongly encouraged to network/build social connections with them in our downtime. So I didnt have time to really think about it.
When I got home Friday night, I pretty much walked in the door and broke down crying. I felt so completely out of control and yet couldnt stop. It was like everything I was bottling up exploded. I didnt want to be around people and I didnt want to be alone. J just stayed with me and held me.
We went out to breakfast on Saturday morning as we usually do. I was so out of it that when he asked me where I wanted to go I said I didnt care. He picked a really nice breakfast place that we dont usually go to because it is expensive. Then we went pumpkin picking even though I felt very shut inside myself. I appreciated his trying. He went out with friends that night and I was kind of relieved because I didnt feel like I had the energy to try and be ok for him. I spent my evening making chili, catching up on my DVR, and then cutting fabric for 3 hours. To be honest, I felt much better after that.
Sunday I woke up, ate breakfast, worked on a wreath I had started a long time ago for J, and finished it. And then I went shopping. Always a good coping mechanism. I purchased 3 new pairs of pants, 4 shirts, and 3 pairs of shoes. I am not even a shoe person. I also cooked 2 more meals so now my freezer is stocked up on food for this week.
I am really worried and scared for my mom. My grandma (on my dad's side) passed away from breast cancer when I was 16. My grandma on my mom's side is currently battling colon cancer. I just dont even know how to handle it and I feel bad calling my mom to talk to her because I know that I must sound so completely upset which probably doesnt help her feel better. And I worry about how my dad is handling everything because when his mom passed away he was absolutely devastated!
And then I am also worried about me because I still have my medical tests going on, and though I offered to cancel them to go home and be with my mom, she told me she would be extremely mad at me if I did that and to just come home another time. So I am trying to figure out if going home for Thanksgiving is a good idea, though I already had plans to go home with J to his family's. He will obviously understand. But Thanksgiving is like a month away and I feel like I should go home before then. I am still trying to figure it all out.
This is all just so much to take in - I dont think I can handle anymore bad news. :(