Sunday, October 20, 2013
My boss likes to save pennies. How much? I caught him in the break room retrieving paper cups from the trash can and shoving them back into the dispenser next to the watercooler. He didn’t even bother to wipe off the lipstick.
After I had been working in a small marketing agency for two years, m boss called me into his office one afternoon and told me I was finally receiving a promotion and a raise. I was elated. But when I reminded him about it the next day, he reneged. I started to argue, but hr cut me off. “You know better than to take me seriously in the afternoons,” he said. “I’m drunk every afternoon.”
While on the job I was unpleasantly surprise by the early arrival of my monthly cycle. After unsuccessfully begging every woman I could for “logistical support,” I reluctantly approached my supervisor. Jerry, and choosing my words carefully, stammered, I...um...would like to request permission to go home. I am having trouble with...a female issue that...I am not able to successfully resolve.” Poor old Jerry said, “Sure, no problem. But tell me which female?”
Our former department head was famous for his malaprops. Here are his greatest hits:
The Greek pyramids weren’t built in a day.
Spurt me out an email.
Let’s not put the horse before the cart.
Tonight we’re eating a the Tibetian restaurant.
It’s not rocket surgery.
It’s all smoke and windows
Nothing is nailed in stone.
Sometimes you have to roll the dice and it comes up tails.
Once after work my boss, a self-titled “email man,” sent me a text message instructing me to check my email. I rushed to my computer and pulled up the important missive. It contained two words: “call me.”
I was 5 months pregnant and the principal decided it was time we had a chat about dress code...my dress code. “I don’t know if you are aware but your body is changing,” she said awkwardly. “I’m concerned because your breasts have become inappropriately large for a secondary school teacher.” Long uncomfortable pause. “That’s all,” she said, dismissing me. She never did say what she expected me to do about the problem.
I’d gone on vacation without having processed a pay raise for one of the employees of our medical practice. When I returned I discovered that my boss had filed the forms away. I opened the file cabinet and looked up the employee’s last name, first name, subject matter--nothing. “Hey, where did you file those papers?” I asked my boss. “Look under M, he said. “M?” I asked. “But his initials are C.S. Why would you file it under M?” Exasperated he said, “For money.”
I stayed late with my boss fielding customer queries. But after one call a look of horror crossed his face. “I have to get out of here!” he yelled.”That was my girlfriend. Her husband is in a motorcycle gang and he just found out about me. He’s on his way over here right now.!” The husband had never laid eyes on him but he knew he worked late nights at the newspaper. My boss then left me with these words: “Keep answering phonecalls from customers!” And out the door he went. Being eager to please I stayed put. But then it hit me: My boss was setting me up. He was hoping I’d be mistaken for the boyfriend! I grabbed my coat. turned out the lights and got out of there!
At my old office one of the bosses went crazy and threw his computer out the window, 50 floors above street level. It bounced on a ledge a few stories down and stayed there thankfully. He was taken out of the office in a straitjacket. Oddly, he returned to work a month later!
I was working as a reporter for an “alternative” New York City newspaper. Our office was a storefront with a double door. The publisher owned a small Honda, a tiny 1970s model no bigger than a shopping cart. Or so it seemed, until he decided to park it in the office at night to avoid the hassle of parking on the street. “It will never fit,” we told him. “Sure it will” he said. So we pushed all the desks against the wall, and he backed the vehicle across the sidewalk. Sure enough, the rear end of the car made it through with an inch to spare on either side. Wow! This was actually going to work!We were going to park a car in the middle of our office! Alas, no. Half an hour later and dizzy from breathing carbon monoxide, he could not squeeze the side mirrors through the doors. The strange thing is, as we moved our desks back, I was as disappointed as my boss that his scheme didn’t work.
It was a typical hectic Friday afternoon at our law office. My boss, meanwhile, was hundreds of miles away at a luxury resort preparing for a meeting.In the midst of my insane day, I got an urgent call from him. “You have to phone the hotel right away. It’s important,” my boss said. “Ask them to send someone to the pool area immediately.” “What’s wrong?” I asked. “We haven’t seen a waiter in 20 minutes and we need our drinks refreshed.”