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A break-up.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

This morning I weighed myself. All-time high weight. Totally disgusted with myself. I got in the shower and started thinking. I came to the realization that I had to stage an intervention with myself and my Fatness&BadHabits. It actually made me chuckle a little bit, because in the shower, I said the words, "Ok. That's it. I just can't do this anymore." I laughed because it sounded just like I was breaking up with someone, so that's what I decided to do. I said, "We've both known this hasn't been working for a long time. You're not good for me. It's not me, it's YOU. You've got to go. Get your $hit and get out. Now." I made a joke out of it, but at the same time, I was being totally serious. I've been putting this break-up off for MONTHS, mainly because I've been in a funk and also because of fear. My recidivism rate is 100% ... that makes me afraid to try again... But I try again will anyway.

So I threw my Fatness&BadHabits out. I decided to go to the gym when I got out of the shower, and then stop by the grocery store on the way home. I went to the gym and walked for 30 minutes. I worked up a bit of a sweat, too, and it felt good. I went to the grocery store and bought fruits and veggies, grains, healthy cereal, some good juice, etc. I even bought some low carb beer to save for when I want a beer, I'll have a good option. Part of the reason I haven't been eating that well is because I haven't had good food to eat. Now I don't have that excuse any more.

I really want to start going to the gym after work again. I want to take all my measurements and keep track of everything. I want to eat the way I know I should. I want to be healthy and SEXY again.

Something else I thought of, once I got out of the shower...when I'm thin (heck, thinNER), men look at me. I really don't mean to sound conceited, but it happens. It happens all the time. It makes me really uncomfortable. Women typically have the opposite reaction. They glare...especially when the men they are with are staring at me. I think part of the reason I am heavy is to hide. Nobody looks at me when I'm fat. I'm invisible. I guarantee in about 20 pounds from now, men will start staring and women will start glaring. This time around however, I choose to embrace it. I don't want to be afraid or embarrassed. I want to just take it as a compliment. I told myself today that from now on, I will choose to accept these looks and use them as fuel for my motivation. They're looking because they think I'm attractive, right? So I choose to let them.

I also choose to believe that I am.
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