Sunday, October 20, 2013
I've just skimmed over my last blog, written nearly a month ago, and I've realized that I really learned very little from my experiences. Shortly after posting my previous blog entry, the same thing happened again. I went on an eating spree, every day. It's like I was trying to catch up on all the junk food that I didn't eat the previous year when I was being "good", or something. In any case, I just ate and ate and ate and ate. And then I ate some more. Did I mention that I ate? I don't remember exactly when it started again, but it must have been shortly after I wrote my last blog post. I stopped exercising almost completely. I wasn't even walking as much. And what is the most frustrating part about all this is that I still don't know WHY!
I spend so much time in my own head, usually daydreaming, but often times trying to figure myself out, and I still have not come to any conclusions. Why do I resort to binging, again and again and again? Apart from the deliciousness factor (which gets old pretty quickly when you're shoving endless amounts of sludgy junk food down your gullet), I seriously don't know why one of the biggest weaknesses in my life is binge eating. It's something that I just can't seem to get a handle on, no matter how hard I try. I have attempted so many ways of dealing with it, and I still haven't found one that is foolproof for me. Yes, I have managed to lose a significant amount of weight, but throughout this entire process I have been sporadically binging. Sometimes it's just one meal, sometimes it lasts for a weekend, sometimes for a few days more, but this time I've been binging nearly straight through half of August, and nearly all of September and October. I've been back on track since the day after Canadian Thanksgiving (this past Monday), but I know my grip of control is tenuous, and I don't know how long it will last.
To be cheesy and quote some Pet Shop Boys lyrics "When I look back upon my life/It's always with a sense of shame/I've always been the one to blame"... (I've already paraphrased Radiohead, so I may as well stick to the theme). But it's true. Everything I have done has been my own fault, and I am so ashamed of so many of my actions. It might be slightly different if I had leaned from some of them, but I don't seem to be doing so! I don't remember when I started over eating, exactly, but it must have been during high school. I've always had a weakness for food that was bad for me, mass produced packaged and fast foods that are so gross when you really think about it, but taste so impossibly good sometimes. My first real job, when I was thirteen, was in a donut shop. Being constantly surrounded by baked goods that I could eat to my heart's content was not good. I ate whatever I wanted, but did not seem to gain too much weight. I was never really an active teenager, but I must have had a pretty high metabolism, because boy, could I eat! I pretty much ate whenever I wanted to throughout my teen years, and the first couple of years of university while maintaining a weight that I suppose I could safely say was only a little bit chubby, around 150, more or less (it's funny, I weigh more than that now, but I feel so much fatter - but I'll get to that later). I didn't think about nutrition AT ALL, just focused on what tasted good to me. But my body started to give out in my early 20s. It said, enough is enough! So in my third year of university, when I was 23, things started to go downhill where my body was concerned. I lived with a roommate who also had a weakness for unhealthy foods. We would order in all the time and go for midnight walks to the closest convenience store to stock up on lots of junk food, which we would gleefully stuff into our faces until the early hours of the morning. She was significantly larger than me at the time (she's lost the weight since, and has been one of my biggest motivators in trying to lose weight this time, and keep it off), but I was rapidly catching up. That year, I also met my first serious boyfriend. We did not have the healthiest of relationships. So as our relationship progressed, I got fatter and fatter. I am not blaming him at all for that, it's just that my first really significant weight gain happened at the time we were together. He never gave me a hard time about my weight one way or another, I'll say that much for him. But I just think at that point my metabolism had given up on me. So I kept gaining, and I could tell by the way my clothes were fitting me, and how I had to keep shopping for bigger sizes, but I never actually weighed myself. When I finally did, about three quarters of the way through our relationship (by this time I had dropped out of university - different story), I was nearly 200 pounds. I had never weighed that much! I was shocked with myself, and determined to lose weight. At that time, I did it through diet alone, no exercise. I barely ate, and had a "treat meal" once a week. Sometime during my dieting process, I broke up with my boyfriend, kept losing weight, and then when I reached 165 lbs felt a little bit more comfortable about dating again. So I met a few guys and had some fun, but did not want anything serious at the time. I had also stopped dieting by this point. About a year later I met my current boyfriend. I was already starting to put on weight again, but did not notice it right away. Then, a couple of years into this new relationship, I realized I was up to 195 pounds. Oh no, not again! So I tried to lose weight again. This time I managed to lose about 30 pounds in about four months through a combination of diet and exercise. Then, I just stopped for some reason. Christmas hit, and I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I also stopped exercising. And within about two of years I was up to 230 pounds, my biggest weight ever!
That was last year, and I won't rehash what I've been going through since then, because I've already written about it in my previous blogs here. But this had been the most successful attempt I have ever made at losing weight. And I was keeping it off longer. So I don't know what happened. But I seem to be back on track again, at least temporarily. I weighed myself this past Wednesday morning and the scale said 147.8 lbs. I think this triggered something deep inside me, when I realized that in just over two months I had regained more than 20 of the pounds that I had worked so hard to lose. I guess that makes me a yo-yo dieter. ENOUGH ALREADY. I just can't continue down this path anymore. My self-destruction has GOT to STOP. It doesn't only manifest itself in food, but food seems to be the one that has affected me the most. My body has been through so much. This morning, I was down to 143.2, and that in just five days after deciding to eat better and start exercising again. But that was just the water weight, I am sure, and now the hard part really begins. How long can I keep this up, without binging again? I don't know. But I was so ANGRY with myself when I realized just how much weight I had gained. So I'll have that anger to motivate me for awhile. Not the healthiest motivator, I know, but at least it's something. As I wrote earlier, in high school my I weighed around 150, but I feel so much fatter now, even though I weigh less. My body is a map scars from my battle with weight. Loose skin, stretch marks, cellulite, ugh! I know it's too late too change a lot of that now, but I just can't keep making it worse, which I will do if I insist on yo-yo dieting. I really need to make sure this does not happen again.
What I have realized, though, is just how much Sparkpeople works for me. When I'm in binge mode, I don't track food and I don't exercise. I often don't log in here at all. But when I force myself to track, or even just to log in and look around for awhile, it really does motivate me to stay on track. There has to be a reason I've been more successful this third time I've tried to lose weight than any other, and I'm pretty sure SP, and the great people I've met here, are the biggest part of it. It's promising that I haven't given up hope completely, and that I'm determined to reach my final goal, even if I do stray off the path (this time EXTREMELY off the path). I might not do it as soon as I wanted to, but I WILL do it. I was so upset these past few months, as my new clothes got tighter and tighter, my energy got weaker and weaker, and it was devastating to realize that I was no longer in the "healthy" BMI range. Now I'm considered "overweight" again. It's only by a few pounds, but psychologically it is really taking its toll on me.
I just have to remember how awesome I felt in the summer when I had reached a weight of just under 125 lbs, and I actually felt confident about wearing sexier clothes. It was a GOOD feeling, and much better than the brief euphoria that food gives me. I also have to continue my battle with binge eating and keep trying new tactics in order to overcome it. I feel so much better physically, mentally and emotionally when I am eating well and exercising, so why don't I keep it up? That is one of the biggest mysteries about myself that I haven't been able to figure out yet. But I'm getting way too old to be self-destructive. Time is running out. If anybody has actually made it to the end of this tedious blog entry, thanks for letting me be so self-indulgent. But better to indulge in writing too much, than in eating too much, no? ;)