bad day with some realizations
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Well I feel crushed right now. My husband and I have been really struggling in our marriage for the past 6 months. Tonight was one of those defining nights though. We pretty much decided to separate for awhile and have some space so we can have healing. We decided to try and be friends for right now. Neither one of us is moving out for now. He is going to move into our spare bedroom and we are going to live as roommates for awhile. I am hoping the space will be what we need to reconcile, heal, forgive and gain some trust back with one another.
I went out with a girlfriend last night and he thought that I was out with another guy because lately, I have been taking better care of myself. I have put more effort into my appearance. The truth is that I have been working to do whatever I can to reconcile my marriage and hoping that I could re-attract my husband. Right now I feel like every thing I do just backfires and makes things worse. So we are going to be friends, hopefully, for a while.
This has a harsh realization attached to it though. It is time for me to get my act together regardless. I need to get my house organized and feeling homey. I need to get my eating, working out and weight in check. I need to be a whole person. I am not sure I have EVER been a whole person. My insecurities in myself have played a big role in the struggles of my marriage. I have realized that and changed a lot in the last 4 months but he hasn't given me the chance to show him that. I need to know and figure out who I am alone too I think. I have never been alone and able to really find and figure out who I am. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. My parents held me so tight that I didn't make mistakes and I didn't experiment or explore who I was. So now, at 28 and as a mom, that's the stage of life I am in. My exploring is probably going to be different then it was before, but now it is time to really find who I am. To me, that includes getting fit and getting this weight off.