Saturday, October 19, 2013
I am trying to figure myself out. I had no clue I was the biggest jig saw puzzle of my life. I also never understood why I self-bash myself all the time. As a kid I was always picked on and then I learned to make fun of myself to cope. I see now that is not the way to go. Because as you get older it becomes a way of dealing with your own failure like calling yourself fat and lazy! Telling yourself you are more than worth it is a hard thing to do when you tend to rely on others opinions. It is garbage to me that I have allowed people to shape myself image of who I am or who I should be. I know it is dumb but I guess I have always wanted approval. Like in high school when you are put in cliques. My title was the funny one, the girl who was friends with all the guys, the intimidating one. Yet I was never that girl! The one everyone wanted and goggled at. Weird part though that I was later told I was thought of but was told that I was too much of a friend or too scary. Many guys had crushes but I was the girl they respected so much they just never went there. It is pretty strange to think. Sometimes I saw it as excuses. But I hope to be that girl in my own eyes one day. I would love to still be respected but just to know I am eye candy would be pretty cool. LOL! Loving what I see in the mirror is my biggest challenge. To be able to not care about others thoughts of me or even the way I think of me, man oh man what a feat!