Saturday, October 19, 2013
I have never felt more gutted emotionally or physically than I do right now. I'm not one to be a debbie downer, but I have never felt so alone than I do right now and I have never been in more need of good friends than right now. If you have read my blogs in the past and/or feel like giving me a shoulder to lean on, read on.
"Sometimes the person you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger"
So y'all know I was in some sort of pseudo-relationship for about the past year, right? We weren't official or anything, but I cared for him very deeply. Well this summer, he called it off....sort of. We were on one of our hikes which was something we like to do during the summer. Well, while on the hike he threw it out there that he thought we should go on a break, but also strongly hinted that we could get back together later. So I kept my hopes up, even though I was initially hurt, and throughout the summer we stayed in touch, and he would flirt massively with me, so I kept my hopes up that things would turn around and that we might form a real grown-up relationship for once. Well around July I was offered a real teaching job in Albert Lea, MN (YAY!) and in August I moved down there (double YAY!), well one night while I was sleeping, he called me up around 3am and decided to tell me that not only was the flirting "all in my head" according to him, but that he was now seeing someone else.
Fast forward to a week ago. We had still been hanging out, usually after I would go see my psychologist for my Binge-eating disorder (more on that later). But exactly a week ago my best friend comes down to visit me and immediately I can tell something is up. She wasn't going to tell me but I forced it out of her. Not only is he seeing someone else, but that person happens to be someone who I used to consider a good friend and coworker. All this past week I couldn't focus, I was irritable at work, tired, and was always consumed with just how betrayed I felt. So I called him up when I was on my way back home to visit my family and demanded a few items back. We agreed he would come on Thursday night to drop them off and I had a few words I wanted to say to him before I finally cut him out of my life forever. So Thursday rolls around and it's midnight so I decide to give him a call to determine his whereabouts. He is at a bar. 80 miles away. He tells me (through laughter) that I sound pretty upset and that he's scared to see me face-to-face and that he should just "mail me the stuff instead" Literally everything I am saying just prompts the "ok so I'll just mail you the stuff" followed by laughter as if he thought that my extreme pain was funny. Keep in mind that I am sobbing/yelling at him at this point. Also, it should be noted that my sister ran into a mutual friend at a bar recently and she was making fun of me in front of my own sister, so it's safe to say at this point that they were all making fun of me behind my back. Eventually I just hung up the phone and decided that I wanted to end this once and for all rather than see his face one last time, so I took to facebook and wrote down everything I was going to say and sent it his way. Then I deleted and blocked him in my phone, on facebook, and any other means of communication. I also deleted anyone who was involved in that circle of friends (which was about 80-90 percent of my friends).
A couple of weeks ago I was walking along the lake when I came upon a small family of ducks. There was one duck in particular who had a wounded leg and couldn't walk right. Three other ducks rushed to her side at the first sign of danger (i.e. me walking by), the sight was so moving to me because immediately I realized "I have no one who would do that for me outside of my family." Well here I am, a very badly wounded person. Maybe not physically, but definitely on the inside. Whatever form of support you can give would be ideal.