Friday, October 18, 2013
I was on reddit until almost 4pm. We bought breaded chicken patties yesterday and I plowed through 5 of them before 2:30. I told myself that just for today I wanted to do right. I tracked my nutrition to find I was at 2053 calories. I went to the gym and burned 538 doing cardio and upper body. I had to do the cardio in four sets of 100 calories but I did it. I need to clean the house before my dinner party tomorrow. I'm having a whiskey to get in the mood and figure I'll burn it off cleaning. I just have to start. Any time now.
I'm feeling mad uncomfortable in this body. It's harder knowing I'm having friends over and instead of completely looking forward to it, there's that nagging shame knowing that I'm overweight and I can't hide it with clothes or makeup. This time last year I was at 149. I haven't seen the 140's since. Even then, weighing more than I wanted to I felt foxy and mysterious at a Halloween party I went to. I miss the feeling of confidence and power that comes with a great body. I keep wondering how my weight factors into who I think I am. I felt great at the gym today until I caught a look at myself in the mirrors that line the wall and saw a middle aged chubby woman's reflection. How is it possible? I'm the same person in my head although a lot of my head space goes to my weight. I want that space back for whatever it is I thought about when I wasn't thinking about being fat.