The interweb is a dangerous and frightening place. There is no telling what you will find lurking in the furthermost recesses of the 'net. For instance, I accidentally discovered that there is an OPERA about JERRY SPRINGER.
Yes. You read that right. An opera. About Jerry Springer. And it is as hilarious and/or blasphemous as you think it is, at least according to the Wikipedia article.
Just think! An entire musical dialogue about baby-daddy drama and weird behavior and unbridled exhibitionism.
This inspired me to create a playlist of arias from my own invention: an opera about weight gain and loss. And, yes, I believe it shall be in English, but with Italian names, 'cuz you know, opera.
Without further ado, the libretto!
Prosciuttina (the heroine)
Signor and Signora Cappellini (Prosciuttina's mom and dad)
Tartuffo (Prosciuttina's little brother)
Pommodoro (the kid who packs his own lunch)
Cellulita (Goddess of Junk Food)
Doctor Che (see what I did there?)
Nurse Broccolini (the nutritionist)
Spirit of Health
Spirit of Fitness
Act I: in which our heroine (Prosciuttina), cloistered in a healthy eating upper middle class commune, discovers Oreos in her youth and flagrantly disregards the dire warnings from family, friends, and health care professionals.
Prosciuttina's Aria: "Carrots, carrots, and more carrots"
Prosciuttina and Signora Cappellini Duet: "Blessed are the cheesemakers"
Tartuffo's Recitative: "Oh wherefore art thou, organic free-range non-GMO carob coated baked cauliflower snacks?"
Pommodoro and Prosciuttina: "Just this one little bite"
Cellulita: "Trans-fat, shmans-fat"
Act II: in which our heroine abandons healthy food in college and gains the freshman fifty, and her family and others show concern
Prosciuttina's Aria: "When did these pants get so tight?"
Chorus: "Junk in the Trunk"
Prosciuttina and Cellulita duet: "Lettuce is for rabbits; water is for squid"
Dr. Che and Nurse Broccolini: "If you want to live to be 50"
Prosciuttina's Recitative: "Quit nagging!"
Act III: in which our heroine on her thirtieth birthday is visited by spirits and decides to change her lifestyle habits
Prosciuttina Aria: "When did climbing stairs get hard?"
Spirit of Health Recitative: "Hey, about your cholesterol"
Spirit of Fitness Recitative: "Hey, about your heart rate"
Prosciuttina, Health, and Fitness Trio: "Whaddaya mean, BYPASS???"
Spirit of Health and Spirit of Fitness Duet: "Here's what to do"
Cellulita: "Weightloss is HARD; here, have a cookie"
Prosciuttina Aria: "Stayin' Alive"
Ensemble Cast: "If you want to live to be 100"
Now to wait for a phone call from the Met!