I WILL NOT FEED INTO IT ANYMORE!
Friday, October 18, 2013
For the first time last night I actually held my deep desire to question my boyfriend’s actions. I feel he is doing something wrong. That feeling is either true or I am just that insecure in myself. Yet either way I for the first time truly fought my deep need to “start” something. I thought and prayed to myself in the bed at 1:30am as to what my questioning him would really do? What in the world is it going to get me? Am I really going to get an honest answer? Is he caring enough of my feelings and needs to be real with me. He is a coward so I highly doubt he would even answer the question. I also wasn’t in the mood for his violent out bursts. I finally see how ridiculous my actions are for continuing to try and get answers to things and repeating myself constantly and never receiving a single freaking reply. Knowing that I am in that state of mind, that I struggle with my self-esteem, why continue to feed into it. He just feeds into it.
In my head love is way different. Not Disney like though. Just caring period! I care about his day or what he does his friends and family. Yet he thinks I am investigating. I know I have to make him leave especially if things continue the way they are. I am just not ready to face things I suppose. He is though making me realize things. I wont feed into this need to know any more or asking him a thing. To be really honest with you when I look at it from the outside in he doesn’t care to ask or question a single thing in my life. Really nothing does he ask me. I mean seriously it was 1:30am and I was so upset I got up and left the room and went outside. He watched me walk away. Yet never did he even bother to say where were you? My boyfriend is finally getting what he has been pushing and molding me to be like. That is a girl who just doesn’t care about what he is doing or his life. It’s pretty sad that he thinks that is the way a relationship should be. I feel bad for him. There is nothing more beautiful than sharing your life with a person that loves you for who you are, to be able to share your secrets with a person that you hold deep down, fears, joys, etc. It is a shame that instead of entertaining the one that loves you and tries to bring joy to your life, nothing but positivity, you may be sharing your life with another. Of course sharing lies if you are doing so.
So I feel bad for people like this because you can never be happy. To think everything now makes sense to me. All the names he calls me all the bullying all the mean things he does to me is because he really hates himself deep down. I feel real bad for him. You have a girl right here next to you that wants to conquer the world with you and your biggest worry and complaint is that she doesn’t play a video game with you and she questions you, you think she is a fraud and you hate talking to her because you think she is not loving you unconditionally and that is in your frame of thought just accept everything you do, instead of compromise and growth.
Shoot he even had the nerve to compare me to some plants we were growing together. His plant grew and mine was slow to grow. He had the nerve to say "You see how my plant is large and growing and yours is still small? That’s how our relationship is! You’re stuck on things that won’t let us grow yet I move forward." He went on to say that it was a "competition" the growing of these plants, what’s funny is I thought it was a team effort. So yes maybe in some way the plants represent the growth of our relationship. But my plant was to do something together I was patient I was enjoying the plant, while he was just taking the plant for granted not wondering why his was growing so fast and mines wasn’t. Turned out his was a “weed” is was a no good plant when they grow that fast it’s a male plant and they aren’t worth growing cause the flowers wont bloom on it. Mines was different its leaves were even different it was still growing when he text me at my job one day and said “Oh yours is weird and its still small, can I just take it out the pot you have it in (I transferred it to a bigger pot I just bought that was really nice so it can grow nicely) so we can start over trying to grow another plant.” So I wouldn’t start a fight I text back “fine”.
I was very upset and very sad because without a thought he destroyed my plant to start a new and didn’t even bother to let mines grow or didn’t care to understand why mines was so different looking from his. Plus since he used the plants as a comparison to our relationship it hurt even more.
I always have hope for people like him. Because I swear if you show them kindness they will follow. With all that he has done to me, I still have hope for him. I just have to do it in a different way from far. I won’t focus on his sneaky ways anymore he is only making me sad and taking away from the fact that I am worth being different for. I am worth the compromise and change for. The one who is going to change is me for ME! I bet a million dollars he is going to change when it’s too late, when I no longer am going to care about the things I use to. I felt it in my bones. I just hope I can forgive and not hold on to that pain he gave me for so long. I may not even stay when that happens. Who knows. I just hope to be able to forgive him.
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1 Corinthians 13 (New King James Version)
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. 13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1142 days ago
There is a time for forgiving, and a time for confronting. Forgiving doesn't mean to allow him to walk all over you.
15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18 "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
Forgiveness does NOT mean that you treat someone lovingly while they abuse you... forgiveness does NOT mean stuffing your anger and hurt, to appease your abuser. Forgiveness is processing his behavior and your feelings, while seeking the lord and coming to peace and acceptance, getting to the place of being able to let it go and move on... however, this cannot happen when he is not repentant and continues to harm you. If he continues to harm you.. you must guard your heart, follow your faith, and if it leads you to that healthy place, have nothing more to do with him. He MUST respect your boundaries... even satan and his minions torment us... peck at us... and we do not have to sit there with a pious smile and take it.. no instead we say "I BIND YOU SATAN, LEAVE ME!" and once satan finally figures out that you aren't messing around, he will FLEE! You boyfriend is being satan's tool right now... tell him to FLEE! lol... if he chooses to continue to treat you in an abusive way.
1142 days ago
Comment edited on: 10/18/2013 9:23:39 PM
I know it's silly, but I didn't like when he threw away your plant. But, this is a person who cried when her sweet potato vine died---talk about PMS to the max!!!
I think you are a very caring person and perhaps care too much for others than for yourself. He seems very competitive and the easiest way for him to "win" is to put you down. I can see your confidence growing. When he sees that, he may do all he can to break that confidence. Please don't let him. You've mentioned "making him leave." Is it your house/apartment or his or did you rent it together?
My mind is wandering. I was thinking that a good "exercise" would be for you to think of your daughter. What do you want her adult life to be like? Like it or not, you are her role model. I know, it such an incredible scary responsibility. But, what she sees in your relationship is what she'll think is normal. That's probably what she'll have. Does this make sense? It may sound selfish, but your focus needs to be on you and your daughter. You deserve the very best.
Meanwhile, keep the blogs coming. It seems like it's helping you to pore your heart out in them.
1142 days ago
It is good to read that you are finally just letting go so to speak. It is also good for you to forgive him and I hope you can. If you have a Bible, read the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 13. It is the love chapter. It says everything that love is and does and what it doesn't. It may give you even more insight on what is what in your life. I know that things are going to improve for you and I can tell that you are growing being on Hopeful Hearts. Love you girl, Amy
1143 days ago
The reason why men like him are drawn to us.. the people they abuse, is because they know deep down that we are caring people.. usually we care more about people than we do ourselves. They don't want to care about us, but they don't want to leave us either because they know we care about them.. when no one else will. The bad thing about that is that we have to start loving ourselves.. enough to do what is best for us.. no longer what is best for them... sharing insight I've gained in my own situation.
I get insecure too and am always checking up on my hubby.. I never find anything.. but still can't ever shake the feeling.. the reason being that he doesn't make me feel secure. That is what it all about I think.. not to say that sometimes they aren't guilty of doing something wrong, but it's more of a general day to day interaction with them and how they treat us that makes us feel that way.
Hang in there and do what is best for you.. because you can't count on him to. If he truly loved you than your best interest would be on his mind. Apparently it's not. You are beautiful, amazing.. think on those things.. and God bless! :)
1143 days ago
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