Friday, October 18, 2013
For the first time last night I actually held my deep desire to question my boyfriend’s actions. I feel he is doing something wrong. That feeling is either true or I am just that insecure in myself. Yet either way I for the first time truly fought my deep need to “start” something. I thought and prayed to myself in the bed at 1:30am as to what my questioning him would really do? What in the world is it going to get me? Am I really going to get an honest answer? Is he caring enough of my feelings and needs to be real with me. He is a coward so I highly doubt he would even answer the question. I also wasn’t in the mood for his violent out bursts. I finally see how ridiculous my actions are for continuing to try and get answers to things and repeating myself constantly and never receiving a single freaking reply. Knowing that I am in that state of mind, that I struggle with my self-esteem, why continue to feed into it. He just feeds into it.
In my head love is way different. Not Disney like though. Just caring period! I care about his day or what he does his friends and family. Yet he thinks I am investigating. I know I have to make him leave especially if things continue the way they are. I am just not ready to face things I suppose. He is though making me realize things. I wont feed into this need to know any more or asking him a thing. To be really honest with you when I look at it from the outside in he doesn’t care to ask or question a single thing in my life. Really nothing does he ask me. I mean seriously it was 1:30am and I was so upset I got up and left the room and went outside. He watched me walk away. Yet never did he even bother to say where were you? My boyfriend is finally getting what he has been pushing and molding me to be like. That is a girl who just doesn’t care about what he is doing or his life. It’s pretty sad that he thinks that is the way a relationship should be. I feel bad for him. There is nothing more beautiful than sharing your life with a person that loves you for who you are, to be able to share your secrets with a person that you hold deep down, fears, joys, etc. It is a shame that instead of entertaining the one that loves you and tries to bring joy to your life, nothing but positivity, you may be sharing your life with another. Of course sharing lies if you are doing so.
So I feel bad for people like this because you can never be happy. To think everything now makes sense to me. All the names he calls me all the bullying all the mean things he does to me is because he really hates himself deep down. I feel real bad for him. You have a girl right here next to you that wants to conquer the world with you and your biggest worry and complaint is that she doesn’t play a video game with you and she questions you, you think she is a fraud and you hate talking to her because you think she is not loving you unconditionally and that is in your frame of thought just accept everything you do, instead of compromise and growth.
Shoot he even had the nerve to compare me to some plants we were growing together. His plant grew and mine was slow to grow. He had the nerve to say "You see how my plant is large and growing and yours is still small? That’s how our relationship is! You’re stuck on things that won’t let us grow yet I move forward." He went on to say that it was a "competition" the growing of these plants, what’s funny is I thought it was a team effort. So yes maybe in some way the plants represent the growth of our relationship. But my plant was to do something together I was patient I was enjoying the plant, while he was just taking the plant for granted not wondering why his was growing so fast and mines wasn’t. Turned out his was a “weed” is was a no good plant when they grow that fast it’s a male plant and they aren’t worth growing cause the flowers wont bloom on it. Mines was different its leaves were even different it was still growing when he text me at my job one day and said “Oh yours is weird and its still small, can I just take it out the pot you have it in (I transferred it to a bigger pot I just bought that was really nice so it can grow nicely) so we can start over trying to grow another plant.” So I wouldn’t start a fight I text back “fine”.
I was very upset and very sad because without a thought he destroyed my plant to start a new and didn’t even bother to let mines grow or didn’t care to understand why mines was so different looking from his. Plus since he used the plants as a comparison to our relationship it hurt even more.
I always have hope for people like him. Because I swear if you show them kindness they will follow. With all that he has done to me, I still have hope for him. I just have to do it in a different way from far. I won’t focus on his sneaky ways anymore he is only making me sad and taking away from the fact that I am worth being different for. I am worth the compromise and change for. The one who is going to change is me for ME! I bet a million dollars he is going to change when it’s too late, when I no longer am going to care about the things I use to. I felt it in my bones. I just hope I can forgive and not hold on to that pain he gave me for so long. I may not even stay when that happens. Who knows. I just hope to be able to forgive him.