Friday, October 18, 2013
For the past few months, I've become depressed. The reason why I joined sparkpeople was because after losing 50 pounds, I was still fat. I had 50 more pounds to lose and I wasn't dropping any weight. Not only that, but the rest of my life felt like it was coming to a grinding halt. My heart was broken, my career was faltering, and my social network feeds were filled with babies and newlyweds. For all my huffing and puffing about motivation online, in the real world, I was simply trying to get out of bed.
So I decided to give up the coach pep talks, and get real. I couldn't talk over the poisonous depression lies, so I decided to confront myself with some Truth.
1. Yes, I am still fat. I lost 50 pounds and I'm Still Fat. It's frustrating, because it takes a long time to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight Big Loser style, not on average of 1 pound a week. But you know what? One pound a week is pretty awesome. I have a life, I don't feel chained down, and I still get results. One year of losing a pound a week is better than 10 more years being 50 pounds overweight. One day at a time is all I need.
2. I have not failed. Taking on a big weight loss challenge, or any major life change is not an easy, clear path. There will be setbacks. There will be harder times. It's not going from point A to point Skinny. There will be chocolate cheesecake, hormonal days, and hurt feelings. If I let myself give up, that IS the failure.
3. I choose to track my workouts and meals not because I'm busy and can't recall every detail of my life. I prefer to focus my energy on spending time with my friends, my nephews and my art. I don't remember what I ate for breakfast, and I can't remember how many times I worked out this week. I'm not an idiot, I just have things on my mind. Using the tracking tools is like handing the information off and saying "Here, you remember this for me, and I'll come back if I need to make a decision about skipping a workout or eating Fritos" It's not a penance, it's a tool.
4. There is nothing wrong with me. I am loved, I am worthy of love, and I have a lot to give. Depression will tell me that I'm stupid, fat and lazy and that no one really loves me. But it's not true, and if depression tells you that, it's lying.
Depression is a giant wet blanket over your spark. It will smother out your light, and push down on all your emotions until you feel empty. I like to imagine my life as a force of nature pushing up against the depression until it is all free. I take a deep breath and imagine that I'm exhaling that toxic feeling. And I remind myself that fat cells hold in a lot of junk and extra hormones that are messing with me right now. One day at a time and before I know it, I'll be healthy, fit and better equipped to handle life.