So I have read back through just about the first year of new blogs under JennKFit and took a lot of notes and recognized a lot of trends that kept popping up throughout the entire first year. I plan to keep reading all of the old blogs, only one more year and 42 pages left to read but I don't think I'm going to find much that is new in terms of the trends that have held me back from real change the last two years. Most of it stemmed from the instability I had at work, always in a holding pattern, always working hard and getting a negative result or even a punishment at the end of it. I was very sad and still very beaten . Even with a positive experience last year, it was still a defeated year, I still got tossed from a school that treated me well. I haven't truly been able to breathe until just now. There was no progress because there was no progress, I was simply stuck in a Groundhog day, waiting for something to break the cycle.
Now this negative, stagnant cycle can be broken. I have a handle on what is going on this year and have no illusions about my career anymore. I have conquered my physical illness, and my brain is back on straight about career and life. I know what to expect this year and perhaps now I can have true focus, not false hope.
I took the first steps this week in the right direction. In addition to starting to read my old blogs, I got myself to the gym the past 3 days. Yoga on Monday and last night and then my favorite body conditioning class on Tuesday. Gathan was so pleased to see me, he mentioned it when we started. To be noticed like that was inspiring. He wants me to be my best and all I need to do is show up with sneakers on. I don't want to skip any more of these classes or skip any more of my workouts.
Last school started with me in a position to change and with the gym at the college I started out positive. Then I broke my promise to myself and took that job for the year, knowing underneath that it would lead to nothing no matter what I did that year. So I was stuck in the exact same place I was stuck before. After three years of getting used by schools that never had an intention of keeping me due to my salary I will NOT make that mistake again this year. I just can't anymore. I'll stay in rotation until a school is ready to take me seriously as a professional. Until then, my days are mine and I need to keep my promise this year. All three times I was lied to and betrayed by the Prinicpal and wound up in the same place I started, which is where I am now. I will no longer entertain a job that isn't a permanent appointed position with all of my seniority intact. I've given this career 13 years of my life, I have earned a little more respect than I'm getting right now.
This is why I'm able to shift so much to finally making the positve change I want to make. Just think, an entire Christmas vacation without work interfering with my family time. Just think, every afternoon free to make a lovely dinner, go to the gym and spend time with friends. Who cares about parking or an extra hour of commuting when you have that in return after 13 hard years? If I take a job now for the year, I'll be made to do all of the work of a real staff memeber without ever being treated like a real staff member or considered for another year. That policy at this point is ludacris, let someone else fall for it. I did it three times and it's time I actually LEARNED my lesson in practice. Enough theory, now it's time for practice. Maybe September 2014 someone will take me seriously and not hire a cheap first year over me.
Okay I have vented. I looked back and reflected on what was in the way. I don't want to spend too much time thinking about that and remaining stuck. Time for action. Now is the time to start every day with a positive choice and continue that throughout the day. Today I stared the day hugging my kitties, getting out of bed, turning on the radio and I felt great. I woke up a bit early again and I love to start the day with a little extra time to get ready. Work is work, nothing but another paycheck right now, but at 3:19 pm I'll be out the door and off to make my next positive choice. Gathan's class is at 5:45 tonight, so that means a light dinner, change my clothes and head out to train hard. Then I won't snack all night when I get home. That's another full day of positive choices. I'm already feeling the momentum of getting to the gym for three days in a row. I want that to propel me to Gathan's class on Saturday morning.
Thanks everyone for listening, thanks for supporting me this week, thanks for letting me know I can start over any time, thanks for not thinking I'm weak or a failure, thanks for seeing me as human, thanks for accepting me as I am, thanks for telling me every day that I CAN. Thanks for being my Spark Friend and my foundation and strength.