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Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Today is Day 1.

More accurately, today is Day 1 - Take #Who-Even-Knows-Anymore.

To be honest, it's 8:00P here in the Northwest Pacific and I'm just so sick of sitting at my desk and looking down at my belly stretching my tank top and pudging over my jeans. Looks fine when I'm standing, but I practically hear the loud "BLOOOOOP," every time I take a seat.

Why is today Day 1 when it isn't even my first time trying to complete this journey and it definitely isn't day?

Well, this isn't your typical Day 1. I'm not swearing that I just ate my last fast food meal (like the other hundred-and-some-odd times), I'm not promising to run a mile as soon as I get up (because I'll sleep until the last minute anyway), and I'm not sure that this time--THIS TIME--will be the time.

I'm not really sure of anything.

My brain is tired of making grandiose promises that my body can't keep. (I can't lose ten pounds a week, Brain, stop it.) My body is tired of being hated for things it can't control. (Maybe if you didn't want Oreos and Doritos three meals a day we wouldn't have this problem, Brain.) And my entire being is absolutely exhausted with this battle.

I just turned twenty-one, which has a couple goal-related implications. One, I've been unhappy with my weight for over ten years now. That's a long f-ing time. Two, I've passed yet another milestone by which I was supposed to be my ideal weight. My 21st birthday joined the ranks of body-related-disappointment with birthday's eleven, sixteen, eighteen, and twenty. Three, a new-found love of beer is a new threat to my waistline.

What am I going to do about it this time?

Heck if I know.

Tonight I'm going to drink a bottle of Coca-Cola and make fried rice. I'm going to work through the piles of homework and various freelance projects that are stressing me out. I'm going to play Skyrim and stay up too late. Tonight, I'm not making any promises.

But tonight I am acknowledging that promises have gotten me nowhere in the past and what I need is dedication. Tonight, I'm thinking positive about my own strength and the control I have over my life. Tonight, I'm remembering to be thankful that I have supportive people in my life. Tonight, I'm taking a mental step in the right direction and recognizing it as so.

Tomorrow... Well, we'll just have to see.
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