Wednesday, October 16, 2013
This morning, I auditioned for a huge gig and did extremely well. I couldnít tell you how nervous/excited I was, but man, I was determined. I WANT this job, bad. Itís a dream of mine, something that Iíve always wanted to do. Like I said, my audition went very well and for the first time in a long time, I had fun while auditioning. For a lot of actors like myself, auditions are nerve-wracking affairs. You freak out over every little detail, sit in a room with around 10-100 (or more depending on the show) other people and there is always traffic to tend with. Itís a hot mess, but once you get that gig it is so worth it. This particular audition was no different and my teeth were chattering with nervousness. When my number was called, I went into the room, said hello and went over to the pianist who is your only friend for those few minutes.
SparkBuddies, I ROCKED my song. Seriously. I had fun, felt comfortable and thank you God, my voice was clear as a bell. Not one flub, not one mucus covered note. It was bliss. The music director wrote some things down on my resume; it didnít stop me. I kept singing, rocking it until the music director stopped me after about only 20 bars of music (thank goodness she let me sing my high F).
ďThank you MissB8604, thatís all we need for today. Take care.Ē
I quickly said thank you to her, thank you to the pianist and left the room. Some of my fellow actors were nervously waiting outside and said some lovely things to me. One person was even surprised that I didnít get called back.
No call back?
No dance call?
Okay, I know, itís the nature of the business. I did my best to walk out of the studio with confidence and get to my car with a smile on my face. Immediately I texted BRITT831 and called my mom as I drove home. I gave her the run down; she listened intently and saidÖ
ďWell, maybe they wanted someone that was a size 12.Ē
My heart skipped a beat (and not in a good way). ďWhat do you mean?Ē
ďI think they didnít call you back, because they wanted someone smaller. Sometimes it doesnít matter how good you are.Ē
ďBut I used to be a size 12ÖĒ
ďYeah, but youíre not anymore. You must accept that.Ē
Unfortunately, I burst into tears. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to have my failure at no longer being a size 12 pointed out? HELL NO. After I finished sobbing in my car, I went into the house, had a WWIII sized argument with my mother and went to work.
Why in the world would my mother have specifically said a size 12? Why didnít she just say a size 2-6 (which is sometimes specifically asked for, this particular audition didnít)? What in the world made her say such a thing to me, knowing how devastated I remain at not maintaining a 100lb loss? I think Iím a mixture of angry at myself AND her. Me, for not maintaining my 100lb loss and her, for simply being without tact. When I left the house today, I barely said goodbye and she looked pretty sad. I donít think I would be half as upset if she didnít flaunt her size 8/10 in my face. Isnít your mother supposed to support you?
Despite my attempts, Iím still pretty bummed about our argument and what was said on her part. I just canít shake it. Iíve worked hard at accepting myself as what I am, and working toward getting back to what I was around this time last year. Iím back at the gym (at 275 minutes so far), watching what I eat (tracking no longer works for me) and am doing my best to be positive despite going through an extremely bad bout of depression.
I think itís hitting me so hard because itís my mom and not my dad doing the damage this time. Maybe Iím too sensitive, I donít know.
All I know is weight wonít stop me. My mom won't stop me. Yeah, it may take me longer to get the gig I want (the skinny culture is alive and well), but it isnít going to stop me. My life was spared/saved for a reason, and I refuse to lose any more years not going for the things that I want because I happen to be a 14/16.