Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Husband and I declared 2013 was going to be "our year." We had high hopes and have tried our best to keep a positive attitude, but this year has SUCKED.
We've had many struggles, hardships, and losses this year. To add insult to injury, literally, it appears Husband has a torn rotator cuff. We are not 100% sure about this yet, as it is still in the beginning stages and he will need an MRI for sure. He hurt it at work at the worker's comp case is just beginning. My worker's comp case a few weeks ago from when I hit my head and had my concussion is still fresh and now this. I swear, it's just been one thing after another this year. I feel like I just can't take anymore, but I know I have to. I don't have a freaking choice. Husband isn't able to work now, won't be able to work for who-knows-how-long, and if it is a torn rotator cuff that needs surgery, the recovery is a long process. We're not even sure if he'd ever be able to go back to work. There are just a million I-don't-know's right now. I have SO much going on at work, all these deadlines and requirements and it's oh, I don't know, perhaps THE most important job in the world? It is to me, anyway. I feel that passionately about it. I work my ass off. I work as hard as I possibly can. I truly give 110% of myself to my job and to those kids. I bring work home every day. I bust my ass when I'm home. I have to start cleaning again now, part-time, during nights/weekends because husband won't be working. (He will supposedly get paid during this time "off," either by his boss or through worker's comp, but I will have to see the money to believe it). I'm so worried about my husband, too. I just hate that he's in pain and can't do anything. And that brings me to my next thing...when he's home...as much as I love him, he can be just about the laziest human being on the planet. He is certainly better than he used to be, but he's one of those people that works really hard at work and then feels like he has earned the right to sit around at home. So much of the time, I feel like I do the lion's share around here...and now with him out of commission, it's even more work and pressure and stress put on me. Plus, I know how he must feel about this. I know he feels really good about himself when he can go work and bring home a nice income for his family. That's really important to him. I worry about what this might do to his feelings of self-worth. I hope he doesn't end up in a depression or something over this. I know I'm just yammering on and on here, but if I don't write, I'll eat, and god knows I've already done plenty of that. I've been thinking about registering for school (would start in January) but now I just don't know if this is the time. I was worried about having time/energy/motivation BEFORE all this happened. I also have to find someone to mow and weedeat our yard because Husband hasn't done it in ages and now he's injured and CAN'T do it. I can't do it, either (I don't know how to use the equipment and we live in the mountains and I just don't want to know how. That's one of the very few things I'm fine with not knowing how to do). The garbage has piled up like crazy in the three huge bins out back (another one of Husband's jobs that he hasn't done and now I'm stuck with it). The barn needs to be cleaned out and the junk beside it hauled away. Arg! I hate myself for feeling so angry about all this. I can't help it. I'm worried about my husband, of course, but I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't upset and angry and stressed about the pressure all this is putting on me. It just sucks, all the way around, for everyone. I just hate everything about this. I hate what it's doing to my husband and what it's doing to me. I so badly wish I could crawl into a hole and hibernate and then just come back out and all these problems would be gone....