Tuesday, October 15, 2013
For the most part, as I was on the Take Shape for Life Medifast program, I didn't dream about food or gaining weight. Sometimes I would dream I accidentally ate something I shouldn't, but those dreams have haunted me for a long, long time anyway. And really, given how restrictive the diet is, I'm surprised I didn't have them more.
Fast forward to now. The past couple of nights, food has definitely been in my dreams, as has my fear of "getting fat". And I figure if my mind is trying to process it as I sleep, maybe I need to spend some awake time figuring out why this is happening and how to combat it.
I have been fat nearly all my life. From about 1st grade up until this year, I've always been bigger than I should be. Sometimes it was just a wee bit, but most of the time, I would have been considered Obese on the BMI.
When you spend this much of your life overweight/obese, you have NO IDEA what it's like to live like the "normal" population. The population that can fit into standard clothes sizes. The population that doesn't get picked on for being fat.
But in some ways, I feel the pressure to stay "thin" is even greater at 153 pounds than it was at 268. At 268, I was fat, pure and simple. Yes, it wasn't good to see the scale go up, but come on - 2 pounds wouldn't have miraculously made me go from obese to overweight or even "normal".
Now, I'm trying to maintain right at my BMI. While I'm not really insistent on staying within my BMI, it is imperative for me to maintain a healthy weight. I've seen how life is on the other side, and I don't like it.
And I think that's where the fear comes from. The fear comes from me afraid of losing control over my eating and somehow getting back to that bad place. I have lived so little of my life IN a healthy weight, I don't know anything BUT out-of-control eating. Yes, I've spent 9 months on Medifast, but I was losing weight. Also, eating the meal replacements isn't the same as normal meals.
It's easy to be afraid when you do something new. I was scared when I started TSFL - and now, it's like second nature. Now, I need to learn a NEW normal - healthy living. I'm making good food choices (at least I think I am), but it's just the change that is throwing me off.
I definitely don't want to regain all that weight. But you see, unlike in the past, where a blown day meant I ate everything in sight and tomorrow was always the day I'd start my diet over again, now I realize that I don't need to throw in the towel because I accidentally had one too many servings of X or I ate Y instead of Z. And the important part is: if I see myself veering off Maintenance, I don't despair. I head back onto a tighter weight loss program and start back up.
My dreams of overeating and eating the wrong foods don't need to hold me back and scare me. Instead, they can make me work harder to be diligent. Diligence will keep me on maintenance - and help me live a healthy life now and in the future!