Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Thank you to all of you for your comments and support from my last blog...it was really comforting to know my irritated feelings weren't completely crazy. Sometimes you just need someone on your side and to justify your thoughts lol. I told my bf I was kind of irritated with my friend and he didn't understand it all, I just got the impression he thought I was an ungrateful b*tch of a friend :( no good.
So as it turns out, I did have fun over the weekend but things got even more awkward. So the bridesmaid dressing shopping WAS for my friend's own wedding. And she did bail on me to meet up with her bridesmaid friend, then invited said friend out with us after. Rub in face that you're not a good enough friend for me to be my bridesmaid and oh, let me introduce you to my friend who is. I did feel hurt. I had wanted to ask my friend to be my bridesmaid (if that time were to ever even come) and now I feel like I can't and it makes me upset. Like why would I ask someone who didn't want me. It turns out that my friend is only having 3 bridesmaids, her sister and 2 of her close childhood friends from home. So I totally get it, that lessens the hurt, but I still don't think I can ask her to be mine and that, albeit for selfish reasons, really upsets me. It already upsets me that I don't have a lot of close friends and who am I going to ask to be in my bridal party?...After overanalyzing the situation, because you know, that's what I do, I think if I were honest with myself (which is always a good policy), I'm not sure I would ask her if she didn't have such a big part in getting me and my bf together, like if I were to marry someone else. But she did, and that's why I would love for her to be a part of mine. But there's no point in analyzing this all to death when I am no where NEAR getting engaged and stressing about all this stuff.
So not only that, but my friend DIDN'T TELL ME they weren't staying with us the whole weekend. I kid you not, that happened. She totally dropped that communication ball. I obviously was under the impression she was staying with us the whole weekend, which made me feel really foolish. We had been emailing back in forth planning this trip and she said how does Columbus day weekend work for you, does the offer still stand (to stay with us), yadda yadda. No where did she say, oh, by the way, I'm staying with my bridesmaid friend the other 2 nights. Seriously. So while it was kind of nice not to host them the entire weekend and be able to spend time alone with my bf, needless to say I was QUITE annoyed on top of everything else that she didn't mention that. And in convo things came up that were like well we have to do this sometime this weekend or other things were alluded to and she never said anything. I just don't understand how that happens. She said she didn't want to impose on one person for the whole weekend so she split up where she stayed. That's considerate, I get it, but maybe you should tell your hosts that. gahhhh! So then after they had moved on to their bridesmaid/friend's place, she invited us to meet up again for their plans, but it kind of felt obligatory, you know? Regardless, we went, it was just meeting up at a bar to watch the football games on Sunday but still.
So recap. Friday, friends come in, out to dinner/drinks, they stay over, Saturday, she goes bridesmaid dress shopping bailing on us, then meets up with us later bringing her bridesmaid to the Taste of DC, they come back to our place, then reveals they were only staying the 1 night and head up to her bridesmaid's place, then Sunday she invites us to meet up to watch the football games, Monday I don't hear from her at all, and while I already had work off, my bf had to take Monday off thinking he was hosting people!!! And most of the conversation, both at Friday's dinner and at the bar on Sunday was about their wedding. So I feel like I spent most of my weekend eating badly, drinking to numb my annoyance, and putting on my Oh-I'm-so-thrilled-for-you!! happy face as they talked nonstop about the proposal, their wedding planning (200 guests!!, what ARE we going to do?!) and getting a lecture from her fiancÚ on ring shopping. Phew. So yeah, if my life were a some e-card it would be: Welcome to 27, where all your friends are engaged, your hangovers last 2 days, and you can't get your bf of almost 7 years to put a ring on it.
I realize I'm coming across as a huge b*tch right now and not a good friend, but I promise I made the best of it and did have fun, but it is exhausting to be constantly faking your feelings and shoving them down. I had a really rough work week last week where my boss was being an absolute nutcase. Examples: dreaded performance appraisals are due and she came over and asked me if my write up (we have to write up our own self assessment) was due and can we go over it. Boss, you never told me to do it. She told me, yeah remember so and so mentioned it on a call, I'm like yes, all she said was managers needed to hand theirs in by such and such date. Shes like noo...she also sent out an email. Okay, let me check my email...my boss kept arguing that we were told we needed to do them and I KNOW we never received any email and she didn't tell me but I could tell she wouldn't be argued with so I just said, maybe I missed the email, no worries, I'll have it for you tomorrow! with a smile on my face. THAT is something I absolutely hate. When people can't admit that they are wrong (the rest of the team confirmed that we NEVER got an email about it, so my boss outright lied about one being sent) and, I have to play the passive/dumb card "maybe I just didn't see the email" basically apologizing for something I didn't do, and all with a smile on my face because I don't want to be perceived as "difficult" from a manager's perspective. It is infuriating to me. In another instance, while I was discussing my performance appraisal with my boss, I made some sort of joke, but during the whole convo I thought it went well and she wanted to rate me even higher than I thought! Well the next day she sends me this email saying about your comment yesterday, if you disagree with your appraisal may I remind you that you had input into it...blah blah blah. It came out of left field!!! I was making a joke!! I had no qualms with my performance appraisal. How she twisted my words around and came back with that really made me mad and came out of no where. It's kind of hard to explain, but doing things like that, misconstruing words then throwing them back in someone's face is one of my greatest pet peeves. My mom is a pro at this, I learned early on not to confide in her much because too many times I would say something that she would take it differently than I meant (but there was no arguing with her) and I would regret saying it because it would come back to bite me in the ass. I felt the same way with the instance with my boss. grrrrr! What I'm trying to say is, between work and my relationships there were just too many times that I felt like I couldn't bring up my feelings or argue about something and I was constantly turning the other cheek pretending like I agreed with everything and putting on a smile when really I just wanted to tell everyone off. And it gets exhausting feeling like that!!
Well this has been a complete vent of a blog. I had a really rough week last week and a bit of a confusing and emotionally draining weekend. I ate badly and I drank too much. I felt like I was self sabotaging myself and started crying to my bf that I didn't deserve him. Yup. that happened. Emotional wreck. Right now I just need to focus on detoxing my body and my mind. *sigh*