Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I'm anxiously awaiting today's appointment with my neurosurgeon. Will he see something on the MRI, that I had on Saturday morning? Part of me wants my pain to show up on the MRI so that I will know that my worries are well founded and not "just exaggerations" of pains that I sometimes feel. We already know that I have some serious potential issues; that's a given. (This goes back to my last blog about being able to read the signals that the body sends out.) The other part of me is actually afraid that something serious will show up - that I may once again be in serious trouble. This was the case two years ago when my vertebrae collapsed onto my spinal cord and I lost the use of my left arm. It started out with the same feelings that I am currently experiencing right now.
I'm feeling that my relationship with pain, both physical and emotional, is so skewed that sometimes I need validation by a medical professional to feel okay about really "feeling pain". I have mentally shut off so much of my pain that I actually can't feel much of it. I often feel that I'm getting better when in fact, I have stayed the same or gotten worse. The overall feeling is that I must be imagining things; which makes me feel like I'm over reacting - sort of like being crazy. This is the one area where I need to be reassured by a medical doctor that what I think I'm feeling is real and indeed I'm not crazy. Often the whole process is really scary to me and makes me very anxious. (Thank you Mom and Dad for all of those years of telling me that I am being dramatic and to suck it up and get with the program.) The worst part is that at a time like this, I start to question my overall judgement. I really hate that and many doctors just don't understand that issue.
In some cases, a doctor confirming that there is a problem is (in a very warped way) , validating. Keep in mind that the last time I had this issue, 4 doctors blew me off and labelled me a "hysterical female". They did nothing but go through the motions and my condition kept worsening. By the time I got to the fifth neurosurgeon, he sat me down and explained the issue so that I could see it in black and white. At that point in time, it turned out that I was in serious physical trouble. I would like to avoid getting to that point this time around. I'm hoping that my current neurosurgeon (the other one left USF to learn a new technique at Ohio State) will come up with a treatment plan that will keep me comfortable and out of the danger zone that I was in the last time.
The venting I've done here has helped significantly. Thank you for taking the time to read my anxiety ridden ranting. I'm going to take a warm shower, eat a light breakfast and listen to my relaxation CD before leaving for my appointment. I think I would be wise to turn my troubles over to God, at least for a while so I can rest and relax before driving the 50 miles to my doctor's office.