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    LORILEEPAGE   59,901
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Reverting to my BPD


Sunday, October 13, 2013

I was lazy and grumpy this morning...too much food yesterday (effects mood) and I'm getting a sore tongue, I'm getting another awful canker sore. I think that's why I overate last night...fear of not getting to eat the things I enjoy while my tongue feels painful for the next week. Wow...pity party...poor me...what a baby that I have to suffer through a week of no crunchy, spicy, and acidic foods. This is what my diet usually consists of. I'm pitying myself that I'll have to live on yogurt, oatmeal, low acid fruits, and soft veggies (cooked, which I'm too lazy to do). I need to get over it and go with the flow.

Because of my laziness, I was still in my nightgown when my hubby peeked his head in from being outside and said," I'm going for a walk" He didn't add "do you want to join me?" I internalized that and after he went out the door, I called him names out loud and felt like hitting something to punish him (the reasoning of a woman with borderline personality disorder, which rarely surfaces in me these days.) I soon calmed down and decided to ask him when he came back if he'd meant that to be an invitation to walk, and I would have liked an invitation. (that decision to voice my thoughts and feelings is a technique I learned from DBT which was a class I took for a whole year to learn coping mechanisms and techniques to deal effectively with the Borderline Personality Disorder, known as BPD.) I had become efficient at using this technique automatically, but this reaction pops up at times when I am having low self-esteem. I see now that this is where I was at since I woke up this morning and yesterday which is when I ate to stuff emotions, which can be part of my BPD.

I can get on top of this and resolve my current issues. A coping mechanism is to write about my feelings. Which I am doing. And to share them, which helps with blogging in place of making a paper journal entry. I will probably also write in my journal today.

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My mood did change for the better while typing, during which hubby came back. I pleasantly asked him how long he walked and if his statement of going on a walk was meant as an invitation. I stopped short of telling him how it made me feel, because I had decided that I didn't really think walking with him in my present mood would have made for a very encouraging walk for him. Sometimes when I'm sad or depressed a walk with him helps lighten my mood, but I can tell that this time I would be lashing out and being critical, which would have brought a lecture from him. Maybe. Never can tell. He usually is so insightful and helpful. He knows me so well and knows how to handle my BPD acting out.

His comments about his half hour walk were that it was very humid and misting out. (I'm doubly glad I didn't go... this weather makes me irritable and cranky if I'm out in it.)

I need to make a plan for my day. Be more decisive. I think I'm on the right track, so I need to get off the computer. Deciding to spend a little time Sparking was the perfect move. Thank you all for being my sounding board!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
LIFEISPURRFECT 10/13/2013 7:41PM

    Great step in recognizing your feelings. I, too, find just writing my emotions down on paper helps my depression so much. emoticon emoticon

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KNYAGENYA 10/13/2013 5:52PM

    BPD can be a pain to deal with but you are making wonderful progress. The fact that you have more good days than bad is proof of this. Keep up the good work.

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KELLIEBEAN 10/13/2013 2:36PM

    You've made a lot of progress recognizing your emotions and giving them a voice, talking to your husband, writing, blogging. You know stuffing emotions gets us in trouble so today is a win!

I'm with Christa... punch something! It's GREAT therapy. emoticon

I took a kickboxing class during a dark time in my life and it felt SO incredible to hit things.

I love seeing how you keep bouncing back!

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LARISSA238 10/13/2013 2:11PM

    I have BPD too, but I'm growing out of it. I have some days when it is bad (like last night.. must be something in the air) but most of the time I don't even notice it. I hope you feel better soon! I hate going BPD on people. *hugs*

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JULIAINLA 10/13/2013 1:31PM

    I relate to how you must felt when he didn't invite/ think of inviting you. I feel women like us need all the sweet , thoughtful gestures we can get to help us through our days. And when we don't get whatever it is we are longing for we feel abandoned , unacknowledged. It probably stems from our childhood of being unfairly treated in our families / maybe abused. So..It's tough navigating through each day of strong ups and downs of emotions. But the key phrase you used is I CAN DO IT. I think you can because you seem to take very good care of yourself...self POSITIVE mothering. We have to make the right choices for ourselves to straighten out the years of emotional neglect. From what I read from you, you doing a GREAT job. You should be very proud of yourself. If you haven't complimented yourself lately , please do. You deserve much praise! Also, you are not a baby for being upset you cant have certain foods..it's natural to want/enjoy certain tastes and flavors.-We're only human. :) emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/13/2013 1:32:04 PM

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CHRISTASP 10/13/2013 12:48PM

    What I want to know is what you did do for exercise today?! Hitting a pillow or a punchbag is a good workout! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/13/2013 12:49:12 PM

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GIMPSTER 10/13/2013 11:00AM

    I too have been dealing with a lot of feelings I find unpleasant and annoying. For me, the first step is usually notice what is happening and accepting it, rather than pushing it away and pretending it doesn't exist. After accepting that while I don't want to feel a certain way, I in fact DO. Acceptance is sometimes a battle. Then I find I must deal with whatever is going on. As you have said sometimes the best thing for me is to just put it out there. Say it, give it a voice and then let it go.

I would say you are definitely on the right track. We all have feelings and events and things that sometimes become a maze we have to move through BUT we can deal with all these and NOT let them stop us from moving forward.

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