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    BAJANGAL19   8,204
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My confessions


Sunday, October 13, 2013

I missed my best friend's wedding.

It's been almost two months now and I still struggle with typing these words let alone saying them out loud.

I missed my best friend's wedding.

I'm lucky enough to have had the same best friends since grammar school.

Maggie and I met when she transferred to my school in 6th grade. I remember watching her at recess one day and admiring her toughness as she was the only girl on the field during the daily football game. She came off the field muddy and with holes in her jeans.

She was fearless.

That was the day our friendship began.

As adults Maggie and I were roommates for years. She was there for me when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, driving me to and from neurologist appointments, holding my hand as I sat dazed in the doctor's office, waiting for yet another mri to confirm what we already knew.

She was there for me after every break up, crying on her green couch, eating Chinese food, chips and cookies, listening to me vow that this was it, I was never dating again.

And she was there for me at the worst moment of my life, standing outside my bedroom door at 5 in the morning, listening with tears in her eyes as my sister told me that our father had died. She was with me in the dressing room, as I sobbed about how unfair it was that the first size 12 dress I'd buy in years would be the one I'd wear to say goodbye to my dad.

She's always, always been there and yet

I missed her wedding.

I could tell you all the reasons this happened: We'd underestimated the time it would take to drive from Chicago to Boston; Lorenzo hadn't been able to swap shifts with a co worker and we'd been forced to leave a day later than we'd originally planned; the traffic between Hartford and Boston had been so bad that I'd had time to get out of the car and damn near have a nervous breakdown as I realized we wouldn't get there in time.

All of these excuses are true but there's an even bigger reason I didn't make it to her wedding, an even bigger truth I haven't admitted until now.

I've lost myself.

Children and domestic partnership were never, ever in my plans but when I met Lorenzo I fell hard. I went from being a Boston singleton to a Midwestern housewife seemingly overnight. Gone were the job and college classes I loved, gone were the once a month dinners with my girl Michele, gone were the morning workouts at the fancy, women only gym I belonged to and couldn't really afford.

Gone was...me.

Somehow, in my quest to be a good mom, a good partner to Lorenzo, I lost ME. My Interests, my voice, and most important of all...my VOTE. Suddenly, someone else is in charge of MY LIFE, not because he's an ogre but because I signed my rights away. In trying to keep the peace in my relationship, I conceded far more often than I should. I compromised on the things that mattered most to me, the things that make me...me.

No more.

In the two months since missing the wedding I've done everything I could to swallow the shame, the pain.

I've tried soothing myself with so much food that I'm now on a first name basis with the staff at not one but TWO vegan restaurants. I've watched hours of mind numbing tv, and have read and re-read every Jodi piccoult book my library has to offer. I've avoided this very journal entry in an effort ignore the elephant in the room of my life.

I no longer have the final say in my own life.

No more.

No more.

No more.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BAJANGAL19 10/18/2013 7:48AM

    Thank you so much lil shine. I did talk to my boyfriend and feel better than I have in a long time. I'm so committed to taking care of myself and putting myself first! I hope your sister is ok, and good luck to you on your weight loss journey too.

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LILSHINE 10/15/2013 11:07AM

    You almost sound like my sis...she too has MS and I often see this in her that she's lost who she once was for kids and hubby. She's not complaining but me and my other sibling see it...just waiting for her to see it. I agree with Evie even though I'm not married yet...I think you have to be you and take care of you and your needs before you can properly take care of others. Your friends wedding is behind you, you've had your down time about it ---now it's time to take on the role of "YOU". Talk to your partner, let him know how you're feeling and what he can do to help you. Then be willing to do what it takes to regain the you - you've loss no matter what his reaction may be. Stand up and be the strong woman that you are...

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BAJANGAL19 10/13/2013 8:52PM

    Thanks evie, I really needed to hear that!

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EVIE4NOW 10/13/2013 8:07AM

  I think we all lose a bit of ourselves when we marry or enter a relationship. Wanting it to last without arguments or fights, we rein in who we are. Being married almost 42 years now, I think the trick is to choose your battles carefully and express yourself. Total communication is necessary to be able to express who you are, vent, rage, or go along happily. Concessions have to be made on BOTH sides.

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SLEEPERELLA 10/13/2013 7:50AM

    emoticon

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