Oh, the juices are flowing, let me tell you. I got on the scale today and I am THISCLOSE to tasting the 150's. The last time I weighed in the 150's my youngest niece was born. She turns 19 in January. Hear that math, boys and girls? I haven't been in the 150's in 19 long years.
That is astounding.
I'll tell you what is so shocking about it, too. (you didn't think I wouldn't, did you, LOL?) I have spent every single day of those 19 years beating the heck out of myself. Looking in the mirror and telling myself I am disgusting and will never get any slimmer. Running from the mirror to the fridge, to prove my point. I would have weeks and months where I would exercise, but I always binged so much that I could never combat so many extra calories- no way. What a long cycle of pain that was.
Once I turned 50, there was a shift. I never had an issue with age, but at 50 I realized that I would not be giving life my best if I did not get my eating due to emotions, in order.
I took the online course "Shrink Yourself" and it helped me to see patterns of excuses and regrets and bad thinking. What it showed me most is that when I felt helpless, I ate, and then it showed me the choices I actually DID have, when I CHOSE to eat. Get what I mean? I felt helpless, but it wasn't truth.
Then last year I came upon a book called Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen, which states quite effortlessly that the binge brain is a primitive part of the brain and not the "YOU" part of the brain that you can fully control, and I began to heal from 37 years of binge eating. Do I still binge eat, you may wonder? Occasionally. Maybe once every couple of months,
and I do expect that number to lessen and lessen. The difference is, and I read this on so many great blogs here on Sparkpeople, that I don't sleepwalk towards the cravings anymore. The food doesn't call my name, I choose to call ITS name. I eat with far more intention. I am not shoveling in thousands and thousands of calories. My binges are much smaller. I still feel that crazy need to eat ALL of what I buy when I binge, so I limit my choices to more reasonable packaging. For instance, I will buy a large chocolate bar rather than a Halloween sized bag (or 3 or 4) of the same chocolate. And these days, it is not even the least bit pleasurable. Because I am CHOOSING to eat it, I am tasting that it's not even worth the calories. It's just not that great. It almost reminds me of pining after an actor (let's just say George Clooney, for no reason at all #still yummy). You crave the thought of him for years. You're his biggest fan. And then one day, you meet him, and he acts like a jerk. All of a sudden he's not quite as good an actor, LOL. He's not even all that sexy or handsome. He loses his appeal.
My binges have lost their appeal.
If you binge, I pray this with ALL MY HEART for YOU, that the binges lose their appeal! I do know that unless you come to a point in your emotional life where you feel as if YOU CONTROL YOUR CRAVINGS, the binge will always win. In Brain Over Binge I became able to separate myself from my binges. I thought I WAS my binges! I still get binge thoughts all the time, but each time I listen but choose something different, the binge voice gets quieter and quieter and quieter. Maybe one day I won't hear it at all.
So today I weigh 160.6. Today I start my 5% challenge to lose 8.03 pounds by December 7th. I feel certain I will make this happen. My eating and exercise will NOT be perfect.
I know enough, now, not to expect perfection. I will journey on, day by day, with intention. I will make wise choices and also have some treats. I will rest when my body needs it.
I will treat my body as if I love it. And then one day..... I will.