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    CYBERCITYSHELL   5,252
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It started off, and then it got deeeeeep...


Saturday, October 12, 2013

Hi Sparkies, I'm just sitting here and spending time in both facebook and here.
I had a sneaky peek on the scales. And scales are great at showing us our little "indiscretions". Like when we have not been as good as we want to be. I think I could be completely grey by the time I get down twelve kilos. when I get to redye my hair. Okay, the truth is that does not bother me so much. I might even go over twelve before I do my hair. But I do want to get down twelve kilos. That is only one goal, one of many I am going to set and aim to achieve.It is funny how we can be convinced that we are on a role, on a mission to get there. To achieve that goal. But it is a constant battle, to keep working on each day and each step. I was determined the other day how I loved working out. and that particular day I did love my workout. But the last few days I have been not working out. Actually I was half expecting sore arms or shoulders. I know it doesn't sound much two kilo weights . I do get quite vigorous with my exercising with them. I did get a bit of a sore back. And that is just a tad sore now. I've done the odd bit of exercise, and attempts at going on the treadmill. But you really have to be in the mood to do. The right mindset and right mood to workout. Same with the eating right, a good day or week can be followed by a bad day . But I know that after so many years and attempts at losing this weight that it is not a walk in the park. It is a battle. I am going to win that battle, I swear to that.
I would like to say thankyou to my spark buddies who keep encouraging me and reading my blogs. Even when I write silly rubbish sometimes, you come back for more of my dribbling on emoticon . I love spark people and I truely care about everybody and want us all to get there, to succeed. Not just me, we all have goals and things we want and I want you to achieve them to.
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I hope you are having a nice day and enjoying whatever you are doing.
I have my music playing as I'm sparking. And the song right now is"fix you" by coldplay. And in a way it is appropriate for how I feel, but in another way not. I want you to achieve what you want to achieve. And I want me to achieve my goals as well. I don't want to fix you-only you can fix you. But I want to be by your side there on the sidelines supporting you, and you supporting me. I find music really great and can be encouraging. Like when I was doing my soul searching back in my yahoo 360 days. I had a great friend who encouraged me, and got me to write. And he opened up a great can of worms so to speak. I sure got opening up, all them years of living inside my silent world. I blogged it all, my demons began escaping, and I began opening up. I so was a silent person before that. I confess he was a great friend and i fell for him . I believed every bit of love I felt for him was real. I loved him , big time. I did also ruin our friendship, because we really should have been just friends. I also back in that time frame lived for my music, and Christina Auguilera was one of my inspirations. Her album I think it is "from the inside", I found really helpful. I did look inside-I really did. I found a part of me I had buried so deep, memories, hidden truama, sadness, alsorts and I blogged them out of my inner soul. I still have a long way to go with my soul searching. But I kind of came alive at that time. And I really am fat because I am messed up in the head, because I am psychologically scarred. I'm not scarred because I am fat. I don't even like the word fat. To people that have never known what it is like to carry excess weight, then "fat" to them is just a word. And in many-a thing they don't like and would not expect or want to ever be. But to me it is a word discribing how I have always been-fat. I've always known it, always not liked it. But it is not that simple to make it disappear. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
And I have arrived at a sticky topic really. Fat isn't just about being bigger than slim people. Or bulging out of clothes, looking roundish,exploding out of proportion. I remember having a really skinny friend, and as I have said I was a very big girl. We got called "number 10, her being the 1 and me the 0.
One boy in class when I was about nine couldn't help telling the class how I look like I'm carrying x amount of babies. The teacher said he should apologise(to her, hey what about apologising to me??). Mud does stick, and wounds can be pretty deep. I am a sensitive person and I always have been. I mean having a sick mum who lived in hospital was hard. Having a step father bring us up and screaming and yelling at us, calling us dumb, retarded, imbecile etc. Bashing me and my brother's head against each other, or against the wall. Me going in his bed for comfort, and getting a sex lesson instead. Yeah childhood wasn't all that amazing . I survived it , of course I just went with the flow really. Yes, that is how I discovered the art of blocking things out. Everything just got pushed out of my conscious view, I blocked it all out. I remember how if anyone went to give me a hug in later years I would feel very uncomfortable. Touch wasn't something I was accustomed to. And the step father was hard as nails, he was even more so bitter. An angry stressed out sad old creature. I never really learnt about expressing feelings. It has taken me years to learn how to express my feelings. Writing is my best form of self expression. Talking I am a bit clutsy, and people sometimes see me as odd. I don't want to be seen as odd, or weird. I'm just me and I am a scarred women who just wants to be excepted, not looked at as a strange person. Not just because of my weight or size either. People don't get me, and I am really deep right here, right now. I don't feel sorry for myself, or want sympathy. i just want to be accepted and understood. If I get "deeeeep" when blogging I am not asking for pity, or feeling sorry for myself.
I renamed my title on my spark page awhile back "finding the hidden girl". Part of me is still that little(fat, but still little) girl. In ways I am still very young and like a lost girl.
I must go and put the kids tea on. See you later. I'll go and do that. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAMMIESMOM13 10/15/2013 12:28PM

    Try and put all that behind you, you have to a point, but I know it is easier said than done. You are a very special person, and always have been. Unfortunately when you were young and your mind was being impacted you came up against some very bad sorts. Often bullies are that way because they feel inferior so it makes them feel better to put someone else down. Your step-father was just a mean, sad, abusive type person, not worth worrying about his opinion. I know this doesn't really help much, but stop and think about the majority of SP folks here. We all have or are working on our issues with weight and other things. And most are so supportive of others and so kind and generous and loving. Now, who would you really rather be, a skinny bully, or a too heavy, dear sweet loving person who understands others pain? Sometimes we need to realize some of our "weaknesses" are really our strengths in some ways. Hugs to you, keep that good spirit.

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CIROHIO 10/14/2013 11:41AM

    emoticon Shel! You will conquer this battle for you are a great worrier. We all have our ups and downs but guess what emoticon emoticon emoticon ! so let's keep moving forward and pushing hard emoticon
emoticon Cathe emoticon

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CYBERCITYSHELL 10/14/2013 7:49AM

    Thanks Sparkies, I am okay and I will win this battle. I appreciate your comments and support. And I am actually enjoying the journey, even with it's good days and bad. The bad days give me the reason to strive and work harder for the good days. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHILOBOOTH 10/14/2013 4:57AM

    It can be hard to keep that mindset. I spent a lot of my childhood being bullied for my weight and I have worked hard not to let that anger and view eat my soul but at times the anger raises its ugly head. I've been lucky enough to meet a couple of the bullies since school days and they have completely changed - I suppose kids do that - and one of them was fat, oh so fat, so I couldn't help but give a grin. Thing is, school is a nasty place at times due to the immaturity of the kids but those kids grow up to be excellent adults. I got on well with the bullies as an adult and we looked back on those days together and they apologised and I kind of realised that we bullied kids cannot let it get to us - we also have to grow beyond it, hard though that can be.

You can so do this. As us Brits say, chin up, best foot forward, hop to it. Ah if only that worked 24/7 LOL

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STEVEN2GO2 10/13/2013 12:31AM

    I too know you will win this battle, one day at a time!

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WALLAHALLA 10/13/2013 12:18AM

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LOTUSBURGER 10/12/2013 6:47PM

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AWESOMECHELZ 10/12/2013 7:27AM

    When you wrote, "But it is a constant battle, to keep working on each day and each step" I felt the pressure you feel. I am trying SO hard to call it something else so that I feel like there is FUN there too. I am learning that if I am having FUN and not over-thinking it, I do a lot better.

And when you wrote "But you really have to be in the mood to do. The right mindset and right mood to workout" it reminded me that there are days I don't want to do anything so I pick one of those SparkPeople videos online and just turn start it, and go through the movements and, after a while, I am in the mood!

This is a hard journey but it can also be fun. You can do it, my friend, one day at the time, one video at the time, one meal at the time. emoticon emoticon emoticon
LOVE, CHELSEA



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PATTYKLAVER 10/12/2013 6:37AM

    Your self esteem has really taken a beating! And you still have a great attitude. I commend you for that. Keep believing in yourself.

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KIM22211 10/12/2013 3:01AM

    You have come such a long ways! And you are one of my first friends on here so I cherish your friendship! I mean that! I am pretty certain that you were like only the second person I got as a friend! So we go way back! lol!!! A whole 4 months almost! I say embrace strange! lol! Who wants to be normal boring???? I love being different! I bet all of us can find people out there that say we are weird cooky or different. I want to beat the boy up that called you the 0 as part of the 10!!! lol! I never went through the torture because I didn't get "fat" until after I had babies! So I was in my 20's before I gained my weigh! But I am finally on the road to recovery and I am grateful to you!!!

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TAISIAKAT 10/12/2013 2:52AM

    Remember to reward yourself for every step going forward towards the goal, not just at the goal ends. Each step is a praised accomplishment. emoticon

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KAREN608 10/12/2013 2:25AM

    I admit there are times I look back at my childhood and say to myself, boy, I'm glad that is over! Not fun memories.

I am still young inside though my body is aging, gray hairs are growing.
It is like our minds stay young and our bodies get old.

Weight, one step up one back ... main thing is to never give up. A miss step just means to regroup and go on. My weight line on wii is a zig zag but the last dot is the lowest ever. So I am staying the course after like five years on spark, trying to find my way to do this.
Let's be sensible, loving to ourselves and keep at it.

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HABITATVITALITY 10/12/2013 1:59AM

    Yes I believe that you will win the battle of weight loss - it takes time, effort and determination - if you have those traits then you will WIN this emoticon

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