Hi Sparkies, I'm just sitting here and spending time in both facebook and here.
I had a sneaky peek on the scales. And scales are great at showing us our little "indiscretions". Like when we have not been as good as we want to be. I think I could be completely grey by the time I get down twelve kilos. when I get to redye my hair. Okay, the truth is that does not bother me so much. I might even go over twelve before I do my hair. But I do want to get down twelve kilos. That is only one goal, one of many I am going to set and aim to achieve.It is funny how we can be convinced that we are on a role, on a mission to get there. To achieve that goal. But it is a constant battle, to keep working on each day and each step. I was determined the other day how I loved working out. and that particular day I did love my workout. But the last few days I have been not working out. Actually I was half expecting sore arms or shoulders. I know it doesn't sound much two kilo weights . I do get quite vigorous with my exercising with them. I did get a bit of a sore back. And that is just a tad sore now. I've done the odd bit of exercise, and attempts at going on the treadmill. But you really have to be in the mood to do. The right mindset and right mood to workout. Same with the eating right, a good day or week can be followed by a bad day . But I know that after so many years and attempts at losing this weight that it is not a walk in the park. It is a battle. I am going to win that battle, I swear to that.
I would like to say thankyou to my spark buddies who keep encouraging me and reading my blogs. Even when I write silly rubbish sometimes, you come back for more of my dribbling on
. I love spark people and I truely care about everybody and want us all to get there, to succeed. Not just me, we all have goals and things we want and I want you to achieve them to.
I hope you are having a nice day and enjoying whatever you are doing.
I have my music playing as I'm sparking. And the song right now is"fix you" by coldplay. And in a way it is appropriate for how I feel, but in another way not. I want you to achieve what you want to achieve. And I want me to achieve my goals as well. I don't want to fix you-only you can fix you. But I want to be by your side there on the sidelines supporting you, and you supporting me. I find music really great and can be encouraging. Like when I was doing my soul searching back in my yahoo 360 days. I had a great friend who encouraged me, and got me to write. And he opened up a great can of worms so to speak. I sure got opening up, all them years of living inside my silent world. I blogged it all, my demons began escaping, and I began opening up. I so was a silent person before that. I confess he was a great friend and i fell for him . I believed every bit of love I felt for him was real. I loved him , big time. I did also ruin our friendship, because we really should have been just friends. I also back in that time frame lived for my music, and Christina Auguilera was one of my inspirations. Her album I think it is "from the inside", I found really helpful. I did look inside-I really did. I found a part of me I had buried so deep, memories, hidden truama, sadness, alsorts and I blogged them out of my inner soul. I still have a long way to go with my soul searching. But I kind of came alive at that time. And I really am fat because I am messed up in the head, because I am psychologically scarred. I'm not scarred because I am fat. I don't even like the word fat. To people that have never known what it is like to carry excess weight, then "fat" to them is just a word. And in many-a thing they don't like and would not expect or want to ever be. But to me it is a word discribing how I have always been-fat. I've always known it, always not liked it. But it is not that simple to make it disappear.
And I have arrived at a sticky topic really. Fat isn't just about being bigger than slim people. Or bulging out of clothes, looking roundish,exploding out of proportion. I remember having a really skinny friend, and as I have said I was a very big girl. We got called "number 10, her being the 1 and me the 0.
One boy in class when I was about nine couldn't help telling the class how I look like I'm carrying x amount of babies. The teacher said he should apologise(to her, hey what about apologising to me??). Mud does stick, and wounds can be pretty deep. I am a sensitive person and I always have been. I mean having a sick mum who lived in hospital was hard. Having a step father bring us up and screaming and yelling at us, calling us dumb, retarded, imbecile etc. Bashing me and my brother's head against each other, or against the wall. Me going in his bed for comfort, and getting a sex lesson instead. Yeah childhood wasn't all that amazing . I survived it , of course I just went with the flow really. Yes, that is how I discovered the art of blocking things out. Everything just got pushed out of my conscious view, I blocked it all out. I remember how if anyone went to give me a hug in later years I would feel very uncomfortable. Touch wasn't something I was accustomed to. And the step father was hard as nails, he was even more so bitter. An angry stressed out sad old creature. I never really learnt about expressing feelings. It has taken me years to learn how to express my feelings. Writing is my best form of self expression. Talking I am a bit clutsy, and people sometimes see me as odd. I don't want to be seen as odd, or weird. I'm just me and I am a scarred women who just wants to be excepted, not looked at as a strange person. Not just because of my weight or size either. People don't get me, and I am really deep right here, right now. I don't feel sorry for myself, or want sympathy. i just want to be accepted and understood. If I get "deeeeep" when blogging I am not asking for pity, or feeling sorry for myself.
I renamed my title on my spark page awhile back "finding the hidden girl". Part of me is still that little(fat, but still little) girl. In ways I am still very young and like a lost girl.
I must go and put the kids tea on. See you later. I'll go and do that.