Most of you know that I changed my anti-depressant from Zoloft to Pristiq a couple of months ago. I was on Zoloft for over 16 years so this was exciting & scary. Obviously, the Zoloft wasn't working anymore, but I didn't have that black horrid depression that I knew in my teens & 20's. I don't know if it was because of the Zoloft that I didn't go back to that dark suicidal depression or if I have just changed enough to not let myself go there. I was there for a brief episode last December, but THAT was ALL about a mood stabilizer I was on.
Changing meds might not seem like a big thing, but for me it is. I'm Bipolar so anti-depressants could send me into a manic that turns really bad really fast. OR not work at all & send me into a depression that was always the worst part of my 'illness'!
You all know this happy, fun, LOUD & PROUD girl, but for the first half of my life I wasn't here much! I love happy & high mania, but I've been known to have mean & mad manias...which are kind of scary. I'm generally very loving, kind & happy, but mean & mad manias make me...well, mean & mad. Mean & Mad could easily turn into Lisa being locked up for violence against a total stranger who is driving 'wrong' on the freeway! Luckily, I have never actually pulled somebody out of their car by their hair. YEARS ago I did jerk open a couple of car doors after I followed somebody into a parking lot!
Mostly my manias are great now. Tho, I don't have them enough. You'd have to understand a Bipolar mind to get this.
My girly girl (I love you!) wrote an awesome blog yesterday 'coming out' as Bipolar to her friends on Bipolar Awareness Day! She's the reason I am thinking about all of this!
I was getting a little worried since I've been on the Pristiq because I didn't 'feel' right. I KNOW this is going to sound weird, but I know people by their feelings. Not everyone! Sometimes I just feel blank when I meet a person. I don't know if they are too protected or they just aren't a concern to me. Sometimes I can feel a little about a person, but not enough to make a call on who they are.
Then there are the people who SCREAM out to me! It's not always good. I once had a man touch my arm & I actually had to leave the place. I don't know what was wrong with him, but he was BAD!!! EVIL BAD! It still makes my hair stand up when I think of that feeling!!!
Usually it's VERY high energy or extremely low energy that I read from people. Negative energy EXHAUSTS me! I usually need a nap if I've spent even a few minutes with negativity!
Positive energy can take me to the sky! Unfortunately, this can cause me to need a nap too!
The last few days I've been very emotional. Not bad...just emotional. Crying over sitcoms! The great thing is that I FEEL again.
I've always had a hard time with people who don't seem to have empathy or sympathy for others. I think sometimes I have TOO much though! I wonder if it's part of my reason for wanting to be home TOO much. When I go out I get overwhelmed very easily. Not like an anxiety per se. I just 'feel' SO much!
I've had an ADHD person describe how the THINGS in a store just seem to be jumping out at them. For me, it's the people! I feel alcoholism, depression, anxiety, mania, sorrow, happiness...from almost everyone! It's very intense.
When I'm in a good place I can usually weed out the bad. If I'm in a bad place I can't tolerate ANY of it. Not feeling at all puts me in a bad place because people just get in my way! It makes me sad when I don't feel.
I have absolutely no idea why I am writing this. It just seems like something I needed to share with somebody today. If it is you please listen to your heart. YOU know what YOU need to do!
Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/mysp