Friday, October 11, 2013
Today, I'm going to touch on something I've touched on a few times before because it seems to be affecting me a lot lately.
If you've followed my blog, you will know that I got engaged in April, 6 months ago tomorrow actually. I didn't want to get engaged until I was under 200 and I don't want to get married until I'm under 150. And since we've set our wedding date for next November, I've got 13 months to lose that last 30 pounds.
And for some reason, I figured refocusing would mean that I'd lose those 30 pounds in the next three months then maintain for 10. And that's just not how it's going to happen. After three nights of working out consisting of two runs (2 and 3.1 miles) and a bike ride (7 miles) and three good days of eating, I'm up 2 pounds. This process isn't easy and it doesn't always work the way you want it to. I lost 90 pounds in my first year and then maintained for almost a whole year, so why in the world did I think losing these last 30 pounds was going to be easy.
I just have to keep working at it and hope my body gives in, or maybe come to the conclusion that the 170-180 range is just where my body is going to stay.
Unrealistic expectations are also really hurting me shopping for wedding dresses. It's to the point where I just don't want to do it anymore. I've been to 6 shops and tried on over 40 dresses. I think I had a vision in my head of how I was going to look after losing all this weight, and that just didn't happen once you put me in white dresses. I still have back fat to deal with, and the apron of skin that used to be my belly that doesn't look that great in any dresses that are tight in my mid-section. I don't fit into sample size dresses and still look like I'm trying to fill sausage casing when I try most of them on.
I really need to work on my self-esteem and mental images. I need to tell myself it's not about the size of the dress or the flabby upper arms. It's about the healthy life I can lead now, as compared to the unhealthy path I was headed down. But I can't help but be frustrated. Every bride wants to feel beautiful, and not one dress has made me feel that way.
Maybe I won't have that AHA moment like some brides do when they find THE dress. But I just wish the process was more enjoyable.
In other news, I went to the neurologist yesterday and got a new medication that is supposed to help with headache prevention that is also an appetite suppressant so maybe that will help me stay more focused in the future months.
I'm going to keep eating right, exercising, and drinking water and hope eventually that winning combination will mean movement in the right direction again...