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Late Nite Funnies

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism? -Dave Letterman

It is, of course, Nobel Prize week. Today's Nobel Prize was in physics. Here's a physics joke. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything. -Craig Ferguson

A new study found that American workers lack the problem-solving skills that workers in other countries have. When American workers heard about the study they said, 'What should we do?' -Jimmy Fallon

Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. -Jay Leno

Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism? The duffin is a combination of a donut and a muffin, and if you eat enough of them you get a combination of diabetes and heart disease. After four or five years of eating the duffin, they'll put you in a cuffing. -David Letterman

Officials in Kuwait claim they have a new test that can “detect” gay people and prevent them from entering the country. That's not to be confused with that other way to prevent people from entering Kuwait — the sign that says "Welcome to Kuwait." -Jimmy Fallon

We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown. If this were a "Lord of the Rings" movie, we'd be almost halfway through. -Craig Ferguson

House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn't been invented? -Jay Leno

The new hundred-dollar bill is different. First of all, it's only worth $10. Financial purists and monetary purists are upset because Ben Franklin, who has long been on the hundred-dollar bill, has been replaced by Ben Affleck. -David Letterman

Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, “Discrimination is just wrong.” -Jimmy Fallon

Cell discoveries made by these scientists could lead to new treatment for diabetes. When Honey Boo Boo's family heard that, they immediately got on the phone with the Nobel committee. Little Honey Boo Boo has already started learning Swedish. -Craig Ferguson

This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that. -Jay Leno

At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage. -David Letterman

A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, "Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion." -Jimmy Fallon

Newton's concept of gravity is not considered a law because it's based only on observable data. In the scientific community, the whole concept of gravity is considered just a "theory" — like evolution, or the honest politician. -Craig Ferguson

We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. Passport offices have been closed too. Interesting fact: Passport lines take exactly the same amount of time whether the passport office is open or not. -Jimmy Kimmel

A Vatican cardinal said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don't know how popular he was. He only had 12 followers. -Conan O'Brien

The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. If you go out in the street and ask somebody what they think about opera, they'll say they think opera is that woman who gives away cars on her TV show. -Dave Letterman
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