Thursday, October 10, 2013
I had a very busy day yesterday, and on my trip to the grocery store I forgot about my resolve that I had just determined to have a couple of days ago. So on the 4th day of my binge free streak, I ate too many sweets. I thought I'd be able to have just a few bites of the dessert. But I sat and downed the whole thing. Then I was "what the heck" and finished off the last 10 blonde Oreos. I now have decided that those two desserts, if not all desserts, for a while, will be off limits.
Today I was in Walmart at lunch time. I hadn't eaten. I had resolved I wouldn't buy food. I had yummy healthy foods at home I planned on having for lunch. I didn't go into the food aisles, but of course they have candy at the register. My resolve paid off. Of course It helped that the whole reason I went into Walmart was that I had found money in my wallet this morning that I'd forgotten about. I used half of it at the craft store and used a 55% off coupon on one item, and came out with a new item to motivate me to get back to my art journaling. The other half of the money I'd decided I wanted to find a new workout DVD. I tried Academy Sports, and would you believe they didn't carry workout videos?! So on to Walmart. I found my DVD. Another Jillian one. I'll let you know how it is soon.
There was a bonus to all my shopping. I got some movement/steps done, in spite of the fact that I feel a little under the weather with a possible cold coming on. (Therefore I can't go spend the afternoon with my MIL; don't want to get her sick in her weakened state.) I could really stretch it a bit and say my shopping at Walmart was beneficial in that I faced a challenge (Food exposure while hungry) and came out with a confidence boosting success. Success builds on success, right?
Last week sometime, my SIL and I were talking and we were talking about how someone had lost 15 pounds without any effort. I said I wish I could lose 15 pounds like that. She ( who always a nice, healthy, trim figure on her) said "are you overweight? I've never heard anyone say you were overweight before." Instead of internalizing her complement, I said that I wasn't in the category of overweight, but that I am a bit higher than is appropriate for my height. I also said I realize my body is muscular and that can account for being heavier than I look. I see myself as a lot bigger than her, and side by side of her I am. I just am surprised she doesn't see me that way. Later in the day I started appreciating that I don't look overweight. Nice feeling.
A few days later, I was in Walmart. (Haha, sounds like my usual hangout. That's a fact of life that we have to eat, so we have to buy food.) I was offered samples of cookies. 4 kinds, and she said I can try all 4. Then I mentioned that the kind I tried is my favorite of the 4 and she picks up the box and said, here, take a few with you to eat while you shop! I said no and patted my stomach and said I am watching it. She looked at me and said "where? I don't see it!" I just looked at her with a wry grin and walked on to shop. As I walked away, I thought,"She doesn't see it because I hide it well the way I dress."
So in my mind, I'm adding the two comments and trying to come to terms with the idea that people don't look at me and say, "She needs to lose weight!" or "She has a big stomach" All the things I tell myself on the days I feel insecure around other women. Including women who are littler than I am. Which really surprises me.