The phrase “when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do about it” is about right. I want to talk about relationships and you being on this journey or life style change. What I am about to tell you is a bit rough for some to read and I am also exposing myself as a weak person to others and maybe I may be helping another in a hypocritical type of way since I see I cannot help myself at this moment.
I think this all boils down to having an abusive (mentally) childhood by my father that later turned physical, not to mention the other men that came and went like that wind that also abused of me. Though at that time I was strong enough to make myself not even cry a single tear. Anger fueled me for many years, which made others assume I was mean, rude, cruel etc. For so very long I held myself up, I put the ‘I’ in team. To me I was my own anything! No one could tell me different, until I was broken down by one man. Not even my father made me break. Yet this fool did. I can’t think of when or how I started to believe in this monster, but I did. I believed I was worthless. He used how my father treated me, to in some way make it official. I truly thought I was a woman not worth being a mom or getting married or to be given anything nice in this world. For 7 years this relationship ruled my life and I swore when I left I would never let my heart, mind, body go through that ever again. I thought becoming fat, depressed, a drug addict and almost dying was enough for me to say no way!
I left him and started a new life and as some of you know I have a daughter. I was blessed yet at the same time I thought I was not meant to be truly happy because her father past before we both knew I was going to be a mom. None the less I was picking myself back up again I can do this! Without realizing it, completely blind-sided, I was slowly becoming depressed. I was making my body suffer. Not really treating myself over his tragic death I thought “oh I can do this”. I went to a therapist while pregnant but I felt no help came of it. I went on unbeknownst to myself that I was slipping right into that horrible place I had left many years before. I felt happy I felt fine I had to be strong now not for me but for my daughter. And then I was hit like a freight train with panic attacks, anxiety problems mixed with a bit of OCD and topped off with a phobia! I was in awe! Why the hell is this going on with me. With many years of self-help and some therapy, and of course exercise I controlled most of my problems. Again I felt fine! I can carry a relationship I am great! I left a boyfriend two years ago because he wasn’t great to me especially when he saw me eating better and getting my life back in order. I started working on the beach meeting great people being surrounding by positive things.
Yet once again underneath all that crap I had no clue that the inside of me was no longer that strong kid growing up. Something broke inside of me and I had no clue it was there. I thought I fixed it. I am doing what I need to do to get my life in order. How I started to notice was working on the beach for this great location. I am a hair stylist that at this point didn’t have much experience but I was a great stylist and always willing to learn. But my boss after a while started to treat me like the red headed step child that was actually liked. I had to do work that was pretty much crap work. Pick up towels wash clients hair but not do it, work in the other salon she owned as help, not allowed to do hair color on clients in the other location, mind you I was the only stylist in the hotel location, so to me it was ridiculous that she wouldn’t let me do very much. I was losing money and so was she. I did not understand why I was being treated like this. Not even her mother who also worked there could get why she was. Her mother loved my work. Then one day her mother being so fond of me explained that her daughter felt that I was not “confident enough” to do the work that I was told to do. I was not “secure within myself enough” to be a great stylist on the beach, but that she loves the up-dos I make and I have a great personality. I then was told by the horse’s mouth the same crap! I was thinking wow, are you crazy I can do this. I was so upset that eventually it came to a head and I was told if I couldn’t do what she wanted then we shouldn’t work together. So I left. I started working closer to home which I disliked but I now appreciate because I learned so much more being there. And while there being closer to home I became someone’s girlfriend. I was so damn excited because I wanted this man for many years! Usually I would tell you the story of how we got together etc. because it’s such a girlie “oh my god” one, but my tale has turned into a nightmare.
I now see how it has become one, now that I can see better, clearer. I not having this confidence not having this security within myself I let a man come into my life at my weakest point without seeing how weak I really am. Yet the scary part is he did. How do I know that he did, because if my old boss and many after her even before her saw this flaw, I am more than sure he saw this. He took and takes full advantage of this. My fairytale has turned into real abuse, violent tale. The words that are used on me daily are just pure hatred. I am blamed of course for many of the reasons why I am being abused. I am the reason why I am being hurt. I am this pathetic person as he says. I am not the woman I said I was from what he tells me. I am insecure and lost always depressed all the time. He cannot stand my voice as he tells me almost any time I open my mouth. If I mention how he is always on his phone at 8am which I find strange he takes it to a physical level. I am scared of this man and I barely can do things for myself let alone for him without feeling like, for what! He is only this scary person when provoked by me, because I disagree with things, so most of the time I stay silent and agree with him. Yes he laughs with my mother and daughter and talks to my mom about random things, yet with me it’s a struggle to enjoy my company, as he says it I hate even talking to you! I think to myself this can’t be real. This is not real! How did this happen. How can a man that gets pretty much everything from his girl treat her like she is nothing? Won’t even care for her in any way. Barely talks a word let alone a sentence to her. I don’t even know what his favorite food is or favorite number, I don’t even know his mom in almost 2 years! He smiles and makes fun of me when I am crying because I beg for a great relationship with him. Many times I thought I caused many of the things that happen. I can admit to certain things like not keeping my mouth shut about how much I am upset about certain things. It makes me angry that he refuses to answer anything I talk about or ask about. Then it turns to verbal abuse for at least an hour and if I keep on it will get physical. Many times when we fight he packs, I pack his crap, yet somehow we both do not finish the packing, no one leaves and it starts all over again the next time.
I know in my heart I do not deserve this treatment I know I am better than that. But I now see I am sick. I won’t leave. Or rather make him leave. Though yesterday’s event is making me see it will never change. He did not hit me or yell. After I saw him all up in a girl’s face starring at her while we were parked waiting for my daughter to get out of school, I made a few comments telling him geez you might as well get her number. I then of course heard the typical crap that comes out his mouth, to which I said can you please go get my daughter she doesn’t see us here parked. He ignored me, I asked him 6 times each time getting madder at the last time I asked because now this isn’t about me it’s my daughter! He completely refused to get out the car and wave to my daughter to come to us to the car. When I arrived to the store because that was the whole reason that he was even with me and he got out, I started balling and saying to my 6 year old daughter how I was so very sorry. She was confused. I kept saying I am sorry and then told her I wish many days over that your dad was here. She reached from the back sit and touched my shoulder and said its ok mommy. She had a feeling she knew that I was talking about my boyfriend of almost 2 years. He has never mistreated her in any way. But the fact that he refused to look past what I said and not wave her down really got to me. In fact he never really is involved with her in any way. I was fooled to be honest because way before we even lived together he would always want my daughter around, yet now if I ask him to help her with something or whatever he barely wants to. They have their moments. But I saw yesterday that this is not what I want. I want a father figure for my daughter and I want a husband a real man that isn’t afraid to love me. One that doesn’t think that being soft with a woman is being a punk. I made a huge mistake not loving myself enough to never let this happen to me again. As I write this he is there on his phone since 8 o’clock this morning supposedly reading articles, but my heart says something else. And if he isn’t entertaining another he sure is acting like it and he refuses to make me feel secure in this relationship. But I am fed up! I can feel it in my bones. I am not going to continue to do the very same thing I do each and every single day to expect a different result. It will not happen. I am not strong enough right now to make him leave. That I will admit. I know this is for sure insecurity and codependency and all that crap in this relationship. I know that in order for my life to change I have to change myself. And if I better me, he will either change, which is unlikely, which will lead to him leaving on his very own.
I have to want to change myself and I know many people may read this and get angry at me or feel pity. I do not want that. What I do want is prayer. Pray that I find the strength and love within myself to change my life for the better, permanently. I believe that everyone is capable of change, but they have to want it. So as far as he goes, I don’t know if he ever will nor am I going to continue to care about his changing or not. I know that right now I need the motivation to get healthy inside and that is by working out and eating better surrounding myself with positivity always! Just blurting out my pain in my blogs I know will help me also, even if it is repetitive, because I can go back and read them and see my patterns. I will get out of this healthy mentally and physically. And I see now I cannot do this alone! Hopefully through here I can change!