I am an ostrich....
Thursday, October 10, 2013
With my head in the sand.......
I have seen the decline of my mother due to dementia. I have denied it, talked myself out of it, convinced myself she wasn't getting worse.
Yet the past week cruel reality has slapped me in the face. My mother has a disease that is getting worse. It is cruel, mean, nasty, EVIL. It takes her laugh, her brightness, her pride and leaves only despair, confusion, fear.
I have been slow to respond and that makes it worse. I am just now springing to action and praying that I can find a suitable place for my mother...... the dreaded nursing home. The place that I promised my mother that I would never put her. I talked yesterday to a care manager and got a list of nursing homes in our area with dementia units. She also told me what I need to do. Yesterday I was so wrung out that I couldn't function. I didn't do anything. I had called a few places the day before. The waiting list is unknown, as they never know when a bed will be available. What if she doesn't get placed for another year? What then? I know that all close to me will say and do, don't worry about that now.
So I go on, trying to make her comfortable and feeling safe and reassured. Then I go home and cry and feel like getting sick. This morning we both had a cry. The poor thing was so confused that I hugged her and cried with her.
I think there will be plenty of tears in our future.