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Late Nite Funnies

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

A new survey found that only 46 percent of Americans have actually read a book in the past year. Which gets even worse when you hear it was just the instruction manual for Grand Theft Auto 5. -Jimmy Fallon

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, 'We has your son.' -Conan O'Brien

Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for shipping and handling. -David Letterman

Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry — while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it. -Jimmy Fallon

We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full "Ironman" sequel per day. We could be up to "Ironman 7" tomorrow. -Jimmy Kimmel

The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. And you know what that means: I'm now the only prima donna in town. The opera want bankrupt and shut down. It was over before the fat lady sang. -David Letterman

Most people think the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed? -Craig Ferguson
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