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Thinking the difficult thoughts...

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

and remembering the hard times.

I was in a very bad car accident when I was nearly 6. I spent my sixth birthday in the hospital fighting to live. I nearly did not make it here to this point in my life.

Tonight I am copying a trunk full of my grandma's pictures and some other stuff onto my computer to save to a DVD. This blog most likely belongs in my journal. But, I am not ready to wake my husband and talk.

I just read a letter written by my aunt to my grandfather about my care and what was going on after the accident. I knew how hurt I was. I can think about it and remember. I also have heard stories. But, somehow reading the letter brings it all back very strongly.

I also have seen some pictures of me. Pictures as I started to gain weight. As I look at those pictures I realize it is time to get over what ever the problem is that is holding me back and live the life that I was meant to live. I have already fought to be here. My grandmother used to remind me frequently of the miracle that is my life.

I am not acting like it . I am not taking care of myself. I am not losing the weight so that my body can be as healthy as possible. I need to get my act together and be grateful for the life that I have and use it well.

I am sorry this is a downer. But, I need to write it someplace so that tomorrow after I have slept on these feelings I can journal.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 11/29/2013 12:56AM

    Do go to Robert Smith's channel on YouTube HEALING MAGIC and learn about EFT Tapping, which helps with dealing with emotions.

I had appendicitis when I was six and I realized that had I lived a 100 yrs earlier, I'd have died. thankfully, I had surgery and do alright. I had my tonsils out the next year. When I was six our house burned to the ground and we lost everything, so that was upsetting.

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FITFRIT 10/23/2013 7:48AM

    I too battled back from near death and yet i have allowed myself to fall apart on so many other levels. If we can win the fight for our lives once we can do it again!

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 10/20/2013 12:05PM

    This is reality and an important part of your life. Best to remember the past and learn from it. emoticon

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WATERMELLEN 10/15/2013 8:06PM

    Not a downer . . . really. It's full of determination to be a survivor and not a victim . . . determination to be resilient and do what it takes to be healthy.

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HELENTORTOISE 10/15/2013 4:13AM

    There are some lovely words here, Pam, and I hope they help. We are all struggling looking for that key and we will find it.
Best wishes my friend.

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NOTGIVINGUP49 10/14/2013 10:06PM

    Your blog is not a downer at all. It speaks to your introspection and perseverance! emoticon you WILL do it! I believe in you with all my soul.

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DEBLYNN323 10/14/2013 10:54AM

    I believe everything has a reason and a season....wishing you the best as you discover and move forward in your journey~

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JUSTYNA7 10/10/2013 6:50PM

    There used to be a joke and I can't remember exactly how it goes... but it starts out something like:
"I was in a car accident"
"oh, that's too bad"
"no, that's good because while it was being fixed they found a serious problem that could have been very bad"
"well that's good!"
"no, that's bad, because it meant I had to use the money I was going to spend on a holiday"
"well that's bad"
"no, that's bad because there was a hurricane at the resort we were planning to go to"
And so on and so on.

Some memories are good to remember. But when we go back we are adults and can choose to talk to our "child" to see things differently. I used this technique which is used in a book called "reinventing yourself". That child in the hospital felt afraid, or neglected or was hurting. You can tell that child that it is OK. That it was too bad you felt those feelings, but someday you will feel safe. You can tell her about good things that will happen to her in the future, hold her on your lap and listen to what she says. It is interesting the "truths" we develop as children. The belief system as children we have is not mature enough to understand how everything fits together so if there is not a parent around to explain, or if we are told things by a "bad" parent or person in authority we believe it. We internalize things like "I'm a bad person" or "It's my fault that... ". You can rewrite that memory.

If things had not happened in my past ...I would not be who I am today, would never have met my DH or have these amazing kids or life.


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MACMOM57 10/10/2013 8:57AM

    emoticon emoticon

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_WRITERGIRL_ 10/10/2013 12:06AM

    I agree your blog is not a downer. It sounds like you've been working through some difficult stuff but in doing this you are reminded of the reasons you came to SparkPeople. Keep pushing. You're on the right track.

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TRAVELGRRL 10/9/2013 2:26PM

    Your blog really is NOT a downer, it's a testament to the tenacity of life and your commitment to live the best one you can.

It sounds like a wonderful gift that you rediscovered that letter and all those feelings. How loved you were by your family! Your grandmother was so right, and you can honor her words to motivate yourself. I think you are on to something here!!

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NANCY- 10/9/2013 8:08AM

    Wow you are a survivor! What a horrible experience for one so young. We all have ways to cope and being so young there are not too many coping options available to our tender lives.
Yes the pain does come flooding back, but what we do now is what matters. How wonderful that your grandmother recognized that YOU are a living miracle.
Some how I knew you were special too. You currently are on a journey to honor yourself. You are strong. You are a fighter. You will achieve what you set out to do. Sure there may be occasional setbacks.... I know you and you will persevere.

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IOEINC 10/9/2013 6:00AM

    This is the place to write and share whatever you are feeling. So many people have gone through so much and a s result have gained weight that needs to come off. One thing to focus on is that even with slow and steady weight loss, we are all getting so much healthier with our diet and exercise changes.

Sorry you had to experience such a trauma in your young life. And your grandmother was right!! Life really is a miracle, isn't it?

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