Wednesday, October 09, 2013
I had a meeting with one of the sale guys yesterday, discussing upcoming editions. He is obviously scared of me, my bluntness seem to have that effect on some people and as he gets nervous and sort of peopel-pleasin, I get impatient and more harsh – and he gets even more nervous the poor little thing.
It is the usual divergency between ad people and editors - they want ads all over the place and articles about the companies they want to sell ads to, and we resist and tell them that we will lose our credibility if we act like that – but reality demands a certain responsiveness and I - who have had a newspaper of my own in the past - am well aware of the facts of survival.
So I listened - he had structured his thougts and written them down, loved that. As he experienced that I would not snarl or bite him, he got more and more confident and relieved. And when I objected to some of his ides and told him why they would not work, he could take it.
Afterwards I realised that I have changed. I would have had so many assumptions or clear ideas in my head when I had gone to a meeting like that before, prepared to advocate my opinions or defend my position or trying to make my ideas clear and winning... this time I was just there, very secure and sure that I could handle whatever came along and not needing to stress any points at all.
It was of course contributing that this is an area where I am very competent, I have no doubt in my ability to make a really good paper.
I think it still will be hard to communicate with this guy, he is too young and too nervous and will trigger my instincts to growl, but it was really nice to notice that I have changed, that I felt completely genuine, present and okay with everything....
In the afternoon I bought a bunch of flowers and visited a friend who is also in AA but was a friend before that. She has Parkinson, pulmonary disease and a depression and I have gone a long time thinking that I should visit her but the longer time passed, the harder it go. Now I saw her on a serenity sermon in church sunday, and the happiness we both felt made me finally get on with it. She did not want to come to AA meeting so I went alone and we had step ten, it was nice.
And then I came home and had a little binge, I have no idea why and it made my mood go right down so this day will be adressed to balance myself again. It is weird that I lost it as I felt so good about everything. The last two mornings I have been walking really early, using a headlamp to see beacause it is pitch dark when I start. Maybe I have taken exercise too far, obsession usually makes me go overboard...