Lost and Alone
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
I stopped worrying about dieting for awhile. After over a year of trying, my husband and I were thrilled to discover we were expecting! So the diet and desperate attempts to lose weight no longer mattered, taking care of baby was more important. Last week everything changed.
I thought as the physical pain and discomfort faded, I would be able to get back to the normal routine. The first couple days I was almost emotionless, I think I was in shock. Now I can barely function. I'm in a constant depressed state. Sometimes I just break in to tears at no prompting. Other times someone prompts it. I just have such a hard time functioning. Doing anything at all.
Last week I didn't want to talk. This week I feel so alone. And there's no one to talk to. Of my four closest friends, 3 are pregnant (we were all due within a month and a half of each other) and the 4th has a newborn. None of my friends have experienced a miscarriage. People mean well, but they can be so insensitive. One friend suggested I come over for tea (during the work day), so I can try one she has that sounds good but she hasn't been able to try for years because she's always pregnant or nursing. Another sent me an e-mail about a pregnancy clinic looking for sonogram models, and asked me to pass it on to my pregnant friends since I'm no longer pregnant. Of all my friends, we are the only ones who tried for more than a couple months. One was an unexpected oops. The person who waited the longest for it is the person who lost it at 9 1/2 weeks. And people keep pointing it out. I don't need that, I'm very aware that I'm not pregnant anymore. Does anyone know of a good miscarriage support group? I know I need help, but I don't know where to go.
I'm trying to go through the motions. I got my daughter to school. When I got ready to work I realized I hadn't given her breakfast yet. I can't seem to peel myself up to go get water, or food. If it's next to me, I'll eat it. But I won't go get it. I have a painful amount of dishes to wash and put away. My husband was supportive at first, but now he's burying himself in his hobbies. I have responsibilities and I need to force myself to do them. And I need to take care of myself. I just can't.
My daughter is my lifeline. For her I force myself to function, at least at a basic level. She even instinctively seems to know to stop asking for a sibling, she used to ask every day. She wants a baby sister. She knows I'm not feeling well, and when I lay down on the couch she tucks me in and gives me a teddy bear. She is so sweet. And even though I wanted another baby, I have her. Some people are not as fortunate. And I know that. I've been hugging her and telling her I love her a lot. And she's 5, so most of the time she feeds herself :-) I have to pull myself together. If not for me, then for her.