Monday, October 07, 2013
Yikes. I have not been on Spark for 176 days. When I am not on Spark, I am not only not successful, I actually go BACKWARDS. I have not stepped on scale yet today, but I know that I have gained weight. Even as I write, I know I am struggling with staying on track. I am struggling with eating right. I am struggling with staying focused. So today, I will work on drinking all of my water. I will also start with prayer.
I know that I was struggling to stay on Spark even before I went to Maui to help a childhood friend move there and spend some time with her. A couple days after I returned, I fell off of my horse, hurting my ribs. That was in July. I could barely move for a couple weeks. My ribs still hurt when I move in a particular position. This doesn't give me the right to start eating again, I am just writing about what I know right this moment. I am on Spark, but haven't FELT the Spark. Last time I FELT the Spark, was in March....just before my granddaughter died days before she was to be born.
So...I start again. I know and have realized that I do not like to feel PAIN, especially emotional pain. Physical pain did not make me want to eat, it just made me not want to move. But emotional pain is different. It HURTS in a different way, and I cannot control the pain, except to numb it. Which unfortunately, has meant eating for me.
Today, I will pray. I will pray each and every time I want to eat when I am really not hungry.